


Corruption and Desperation

by xxMad_Donaxx



Series: Emotions [5]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-11-24 07:50:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set four years after the end of Persistence and Patience, the reaction between Anders and Fenris turns painful signaling the start of a bigger problem. Anders is put to sleep and it's up to Fenris and Hawke to figure out what's wrong and fix it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to finish Connections before I began this but since i'm so thoroughly stuck on it (Hadriana threw a wrench into my plot) I figured I'd start this hoping maybe I can figure something out. Connections is more of a side story to 'Emotions' and the only thing you really need to know from the end of it is that Fenris and Varania come to terms with each other and begin rebuilding their relationship. (I'm sure most of you already figured that out.) Another update on this might take a while because I plan on finishing Faded Spirits first. I hope you enjoy! =)

Anders had been First Enchanter of the Gallows for four years now. Fenris was proud of what a difference he had made. He wasn’t the only non-mage, non-Templar living at the Gallows anymore. Three or four other brave souls had joined him to live with their mage. There were many mage couples and more than a few children had been born. As Cullen had promised, the mages were allowed to keep their children.

The results from this one change had brightened many of the mages in the Gallows. Cullen had also worked tirelessly to remove the corrupt Templars. Some were relocated to the Chantry or transferred but the worst of them had been ousted from the order completely. Most of the mages were still slow to trust any Templar but rapes and beatings had been reduced to a very small number.

So far, Fenris considered his greatest achievement the changed Harrowing. Every mage who didn’t specifically request Tranquility was harrowed. The Rite of Tranquility was no longer used on mages thought to be too weak to resist. Three Senior Enchanters were sent into the Fade with the apprentice. The apprentice was still required to resist and kill a demon but the failure rate was at an all-time low because they were given time. Time that they hadn’t had before, the Senior Enchanters made sure of this. Any apprentice who gave into the demons was either killed by the Senior Enchanters or the Templars who still stood vigil in the Harrowing Chamber.

Every apprentice knew what was expected of them and also knew the consequences for failure. This had resulted in more mages asking to be made Tranquil, which bothered Anders, but Fenris didn’t see it as a bad thing necessarily. It still culled weak mages either by death or Tranquility which was the whole point of the Harrowing in the first place.

Blood magic wasn’t tolerated at all. Any mage proven to be a blood mage was either made Tranquil or executed. Varania and Fenris, having lived among so many blood mages, had been questioned again and again by both Anders and Cullen. Even though both First Enchanter and Knight-Commander had experience dealing with blood magic, neither was willing to end the life of a mage if it was possible they had been falsely accused. The Rite was used, much to Anders’ irritation, when there was even the smallest amount of doubt.

This had caused the only major argument between them so far. Anders was set against the Rite of Tranquility in any case. There was nothing he could do about the mages who wanted to be made Tranquil but he had worked hard to eliminate it as a punishment. This was the only area Cullen wouldn’t budge on. When he couldn’t come up with a better solution, Anders had reluctantly relented. The result had been a mass exodus of apostates. Hawke had reported after this had been announced that he ran into very few blood mages in his odd tasks that he still performed for the citizens of Kirkwall.

Neither Anders nor Fenris had ever betrayed the one apostate in Kirkwall they knew was a blood mage. Despite her attitude towards it since they had known her, she was truly the light of Hawke’s life. In the beginning it had been their respect for Hawke that had kept them quiet but an incident two years ago with the rest of her clan had changed her. Fenris hadn’t seen her actually use it since.

Anders’ current project was eliminating the boredom that plagued most mages that had been harrowed. Only some were needed as teachers but the rest had nothing to do. Allowing them relationships had only cured some of the mischievousness. He had been working closely with Cullen, Guard Captain Aveline and Viscount Sebastian Vael to find things for these bored mages to do that would also benefit the city. After many meetings they had a list drawn up and as Fenris stood in his old clinic, Anders and Cullen were currently meeting with Grand Cleric Elthina. He was almost sorry to miss it, the beginning at any rate. It was amusing to see her almost cringe when she saw Anders approaching.

Over the years Anders had spent quite a bit of time in the Chantry arguing with the Grand Cleric. As the years progressed and his diplomacy skills increased, the yelling had decreased immensely. His arguments had grown more precise and were well thought out. Anders didn’t always get exactly what he wanted right away but the mages persistence usually won out.

Former Chantry Brother Sebastian Vael had been named Viscount four months after Meredith’s unusual demise. The nobles had wanted Hawke in the Viscount’s seat but he had politely declined. It had taken Hawke nearly one of those months to convince the erstwhile Starkhaven Prince to even accept the nomination which Hawke had put forth. It was clear to most who knew him, that Sebastian had no intentions of actually trying to retake Starkhaven’s throne. How Hawke had actually convinced him to be the ruler of Kirkwall no one knew.

The nobles had squabbled for the other three months. Fenris suspected they delayed purposefully to see how Anders and Cullen actually worked out in the positions Hawke had put them in. When the tension within the Gallows began diminishing and there were fewer incidents between mage and Templar, only then was Sebastian accepted. If they couldn’t have the man who had saved their city more than once, then at least they could have the person he had recommended. The other two were doing fine and besides having the backing of the Champion of Kirkwall, Sebastian was a native Marcher. He might not be a native Kirkwaller but at least he was from the Free Marches. The other person who had been named wasn’t.

As much as he would have liked to see Anders get under Elthina’s skin, he had come to the old clinic instead. He had asked Hawke and Varric to meet him here and was currently pacing the length of the clinic impatiently waiting for them. Fenris often came to the old clinic in Darktown when he wasn’t doing something for Anders, Hawke or Cullen.

At first it had simply been to get away from all the mages in the Gallows. When some of the Darktown residents had seen the inside lamps lit they had cautiously ventured in. Fenris had done what he could for them. It had started out mostly out of habit but soon he discovered he found it soothing. Whether it was from finding a strange sort of comfort in the familiarity or something else entirely, he made a point of opening the clinic at least twice a week.

Fenris had never told Anders but somehow the mage had found out anyway. To say that it had pleased him would be a gross understatement. It was embarrassing how much praise had been heaped on him. His embarrassment didn’t stop him from coming back however. Fenris wasn’t entirely sure what he gained from helping the poor and some day he might try and figure it out but for now, he had a bigger problem.

Hawke and Varric were among the few who knew of the strange magical reaction that happened when Anders’ skin came into contact with the lyrium markings. They were the only others who knew how much that reaction hurt when Justice was in control of Anders’ body. After Meredith and Orsino had essentially killed each other, Justice had been fairly quiet. So quiet in fact, it was thought that Anders being possessed was a rumor.

The spirit hadn’t made his presence known in so long that Fenris had begun to wonder if they had truly merged into one being. Over the last week he had become sure that they hadn’t. It had begun very suddenly and had only gotten worse. Anders had simply touched his cheek. Since there weren’t any markings on his cheek it should have been like any normal touch. It wasn’t. The reaction that simple touch had caused brought both of them to their knees after only a brief moment.

They had found out that night that the painful reaction happened whenever they touched and it didn’t matter where. It even happened through cloth, which had always prevented it before, but the cloth had muted some of the pain. Fenris and Anders couldn’t even sleep in the same bed anymore without both of them waking suddenly in agony. They had taken turns sleeping on the chair for the last three days.

Neither of them knew what exactly caused the reaction but they both thought it had something to do with Justice and the lyrium in his brands. Since the brands hadn’t changed, it had to be Justice. No matter how hard he had tried over the last week, Anders hadn’t been able to get a response from the spirit. They didn’t know what to do. Fenris was hoping Hawke or Varric could think of something.

When they arrived, Fenris skipped over the normal greetings and told them what had been happening. He started with the painful reaction and ended with their theories about Justice. Hawke sat on one of the cots frowning thoughtfully and Varric leaned on the same cot, also frowning.

“You can’t touch each other at all?” Hawke asked.

“Not without both of us being in agony,” Fenris said irritably as he paced back and forth restlessly in front of the cot.

“How sure are you that Blondie’s guest causes it?” Varric said rubbing his chin.

“It’s the only possible cause,” said Fenris stopping in front of Hawke. He took the mages hand, making sure the lyrium embedded into his palms touched his skin. “It’s never happened with any mage besides him.”

“So we get to figure out what’s wrong with Justice,” said Hawke as Fenris dropped his hand. “That’s not going to be easy.”

“Any idea where to start?” asked Varric.

Before Fenris could answer they heard the door of the clinic. Hawke and Varric turned, both standing as Anders lurched through the door. Fenris hurried around the cot but stopped just short of grabbing him. Anders was hunched over slightly, his hands pressed tightly to his temples, shaking his head slightly and muttering so softly that Fenris couldn’t make out anything he said.

“Anders what's wrong?” asked Fenris his hands hovering close to the mages’ shoulders.

“No…don’t…” he said desperately shaking his head again.

Fenris took a startled step backwards as Anders straightened suddenly. The Fade poured out of him through the blue cracks in his skin. He watched horrified as red light began taking over some of the blue. His arms shot out suddenly, hands gripping Fenris’ biceps. The magic raced along his markings in seconds, filling his body with painful burning and stinging. The intensity of the pain was agonizing and Fenris could hardly think through it let alone push him away.

“You must kill me elf!” Justice boomed. “You must correct our mistake! Kill me before I am completely lost!”

“ _Do something!_ ” Fenris roared.

Anders face was contorted with the magic that flowed through both of them. His eyes were still endless swirls of blue. He slumped forward suddenly, eyes slipping closed, the blue and red light fading. Fenris had just enough strength to push the mage away from him before they both collapsed. Lying on his side on the floor of the clinic, Fenris curled into a tight ball.

“I take it that’s not supposed to happen?” a familiar voice said from the doorway. “Don’t touch him.”

“No,” Hawke said from right next to him. “I’ve never seen…Maker…was that really Justice?”

“What did you do Varania?” Knight-Commander Cullen asked calmly. Fenris could hear the clanking armor coming closer to him.

“I put him to sleep,” Varania said also sounding closer.

“Did he really just order Fenris to kill him?” said Varric sounding shocked.

“That’s what I heard,” Hawke said grimly. “What in the bloody void is going on?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for finishing Faded Spirits. =/

Anders knew he was in the Fade, trapped inside his own head like Justice was in the waking world. It had been so long since he’d come here, even accidentally in his sleep that he didn’t know or understand what was going on. His hands were pressed to his temples, bent slightly at the waist, knees bent and sitting on his feet. Something was terribly wrong. The cracks that appeared when Justice controlled them, normally a soft blue were turning red. Not all of them but over half of what he could see.

“Justice!” he cried out in confusion. Anders tried to push his way forward but was blocked. “What’s wrong?”

**I am sorry my friend.**

His voice, deeper and doubled, echoed loudly all around him. It was too loud and if he could have he would have pressed his hands to his ears. As it was, his body leaned forward hands resting on the ground.

**We were wrong, this never should have been. I must do this.**

“Justice, please! What’s going on?” Anders pleaded.

**If I am not successful…he will come for you.**

The loud echoing voice doubled then trebled. There was a strange feeling of Justice pulling away from him. Indescribable agony tore through his body and he screamed. Gradually Anders was able to voice his pain, his voice once more his own. Anders fell bonelessly to his side pressing a hand to his ear as his wailing was added to that of the terrible echo of Justice shouting all around him.

There was a strange doubling sensation and he saw a brief glimpse of someone lying next to him. He screamed again and squeezed his eyes shut as another bolt of agony ripped through him. It felt like he was being shredded from the inside out. The last thing he heard before unconsciousness was Justice. A voice he hadn’t heard since their joining, the voice that had been entirely his and not a combination of both of them. Anguished, filled with pain and underneath that…furious.

***

Anders woke slowly blinking in the dim light on his back. Rolling carefully to his side he groaned. He ached all over and had a splitting headache. “Andraste’s ass,” he muttered. “Have I been drinking with Oghren again?”

No one answered him but he hadn’t really expected an answer. He touched his temple lightly and frowned when the healing spell didn’t work. After trying again with similar results, Anders sat up carefully, closing his eyes, and waited for the pounding in his head to subside. When he was able he looked around him carefully.

He was sitting on a cot, a ratty blanket of an indeterminate color and material covering his lower half. There was a bucket next to a closed door where the only light came through a square, small and definitely barred window. Moving slowly, he turned to look in the corner finding a grate in the floor.

“Solitary,” he said softly. “I don’t remember being caught…not after Elissa conscripted me.”

Anders pulled the blanket off and stood on shaking legs. Slowly and carefully he crossed the room and leaned heavily on the door. Pressing his cheek to the cool wood, he again waited for the pounding in his head to subside.

“They must have beaten me pretty badly,” Anders said aloud falling into an old habit without realizing it. “Templar!”

The shout made him wince as the pounding in his head worsened for a moment. No answer was heard, which was again expected. Anders made his way back to the cot slowly. He lay back down, pulling the ratty blanket back over him.

“Maybe I can sleep it off,” he mumbled closing his eyes. “Perhaps it’s just a terrible dream and I’ll wake up in my own bed at Vigil’s Keep.”

*

There were entirely too many people in the small room that Fenris shared with Anders. They had all waited in his old clinic for him to wake hoping he could explain. Anders had been moved to one of the cots while they stood around him. The sleep his sister put him into should have worn off hours ago. When it didn’t Hawke had carried him back to the Gallows. Anders lay in their bed, changed into his nightclothes by Hawke because Fenris didn’t dare touch him. The thick blanket was pulled most of the way up his chest, his arms by his sides underneath it. His chest rose and fell, deep and even in sleep, but nothing they had tried woke him.

“I’m sorry Fenris,” Varania said again. “I…”

“It’s not your fault,” he interrupted harshly. Fenris regretted his tone but he continued anyway. “It’s the _demon_.”

“Fenris,” Hawke said cautiously.

He held up his hand and Hawke fell silent. “Stay with him,” Fenris asked softly, tentatively placing his hand on Varania’s shoulder. “Please Varania…I have to…”

“I’ll stay,” she said just as softly. Their eyes met and he was struck by the tear rolling down her cheek. “His body will not suffer.”

“Thank you,” said Fenris closing his eyes for a moment. It had taken his sister and lover a long time to trust one another. Anders had never been rude or demeaning but she had put Fenris in danger once and that was enough for him.

Fenris turned, his hand falling by his side as Varania sat in the chair that had been pulled up next to the bed. Hawke stood directly behind him with Cullen and Varric to either side. Cullen’s face could have been a mirror of his own to a lesser extent. Sadness warring with anger, his old suspicions that the Templar still held feelings for his mage now made obvious. He welcomed those feelings now where there might have been only jealousy before. The Knight-Commander would help him.

“We have work to do,” Fenris said trying to keep his voice even.

“Then let’s get to it,” Hawke said determinedly.

*

“Damn,” Anders swore after he’d yawned and stretched. “Still in solitary.”

He sat up gingerly, his head still hurting but at least the pounding had stopped. Standing carefully he noted that his legs were no longer shaking and stepped into the little square of light the window cast on the floor. More able to think clearly without the splitting headache he wondered how he’d gotten here.

“All right Anders,” he said. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

Standing still he cast back through his memories. He remembered his conscription, meeting King Alistair briefly, the Wending Wood, the Architect, the Deep Roads, the Blackmarsh and the Mother. All of the Wardens Elissa had drawn to her, people he thought of as friends…or acquaintances at the very least. Elissa had been away for quite a time, and it was after he remembered that that he began to think something was not quite right.

“There was a Templar…Rolan…,” said Anders slowly. “He was a Warden though…didn’t stop him from tailing me…Justice offered…he offered…why can’t I remember?”

Anders looked around him carefully. Everything was exactly as he remembered. From the cobwebs in the corner to the rank smell drifting from the grate. How many times had he stood in this exact spot staring at the odd shape of the stone directly across from the window? Frowning deeply he walked to the door and began pounding.

“Templar!” he shouted through the little window. “Hey bucket head! I had your mother and she loved it!”

He knew it was a weak insult but it was the best he could come up with. His head still hurt and he was more concerned about what was going on. As pathetic as it was, it was bound to get some sort of reaction from anyone standing on the other side of the door. There was no answer but there was also no annoyed huff of breath, no irritated fidgeting, there was simply nothing.

“This is wrong…I shouldn’t be here,” said Anders slowly. He pressed his head to the cool wood and thought, “I should be in the Keep.”

“No…there’s something after…,” he said aloud trying to see around the fog in his memories. “I wasn’t caught in Ferelden…I was somewhere else…a different country…but I can’t remember!”

He tried the door handle and was only a little surprised when it swung open with only a slight squeak of old hinges. Anders cautiously peeked out and looked down the corridor both ways before finally stepping out into torchlight. The hallway was deserted. Still without knowing exactly what was going on he hurried down the corridor as fast as his still aching head would allow.

At the end of a long flight of stairs he remembers all too well there is another door. Anders stops in front of it, puzzled by the staff that was leaning against it. It was a straight length of light colored wood that branched out at the top into a cloud of twigs. Red leather was wrapped around it, holding two stone dogs onto it where the wood branched. Anders reached out for it and finally noticed his clothes were different.

Instead of the Tevinter styled robes he’d worn most of the time in Amaranthine or the Warden styled armor that had arrived just before his memory turned foggy, he was wearing what could only be circle robes. Ignoring the staff for a moment he looked down at himself. The robes were jet black with ribbons of blue and silver sewn around the hems.

“Never seen a set of circle robes like this,” Anders said. He shrugged and reached for the staff whistling briefly in amazement. “Feel those enchantments.” It was mostly a battle mage’s staff. The enchantments meant to bolster elemental magic but there was also one that would give a boost to any healing spell. “That’s odd. Oh well, someone else’s bad luck is my good fortune.”

Anders opened the door, taking the staff with him, and looked around cautiously. He’d expected to find chaos like he had the last time he’d climbed those stairs. As he looked around the deserted first floor of Kinloch Hold, he absently touched his temple. The healing spell got rid of most of the lingering headache.

“Hello!” he called out taking a few steps towards the doors that would lead him out of the tower. “Joke’s over! You can all come out now!” A few more steps and his was still the only voice. “Elissa? Nathaniel? Come on this isn’t funny!”

“This is not a joke.”

The voice was familiar and he turned quickly to see Justice standing in the doorway that led to the apprentice quarters. Anders took a step backwards in shock. It was definitely Justice because he was wearing the armor that they had found in the Blackmarsh. He knew then that he was in the Fade because part of Justice had that ethereal blue glow that had surrounded the spirit when that talking darkspawn had pulled them into the Fade. A deep red color had replaced some of the blue. It seemed to begin at his breastplate then spread, his chest and stomach almost solid red. Tendrils of red circled his arms and legs like vines choking out a rosebush.

“Andraste’s flaming ass!” Anders exclaimed. “What’s happened to you?”

“I was unsuccessful,” Justice said evenly. “We are still connected.”

“Connected?” asked Anders in confusion. “I don’t remember being connected in the first place. What is going on here? Did you bring me here?”

“You brought us here,” said Justice taking a few steps into the room. “I have kept our body asleep in the waking world. It seems to have at least slowed the taints corruption.”

“Taint?” Anders pressed a hand to his temple and closed his eyes trying to figure out what his friend was talking about. “Rolan…harassing me…you offered...no…I offered…his body continued to decay…a willing host…oh dear Maker!” Opening his eyes once more he saw that Justice was now closer. “We didn’t. Please say we didn’t.”

“We did,” he answered evenly. “Do you not remember?”

“No, I know there’s more but…it’s foggy. My last clear memory is at Vigil’s Keep.”

“I have been slowly absorbing the taint within your body unknowingly for almost eight years now and it is corrupting me. We must find what still connects us and sever it or you will likely be corrupted as well.”

“Corrupted?”

“You remember the Architect?”

“Yes.”

“You will probably become as he was, a tainted creature beyond salvation.”

“What will happen to you?”

“I will go mad.”

“Why can’t I remember any of this?” Anders asked slowly sinking to the floor.

“I do not know. Help me if you wish,” Justice said turning back to the apprentice quarters. “I will not think badly of you if you would prefer to wait for him.”

Anders remained seated and watched Justice as he walked away, wishing he knew what was going on.


	3. Chapter 3

They had moved from Fenris’ small room to Cullen’s slightly larger office. Leaving Anders bedside was quite possibly the hardest thing he had done recently. It felt like he was abandoning the mage but what could he do? Even the simplest thing was denied them. Fenris couldn’t even hold his hand. The best way to help Anders was to figure out why the demon was begging for death and then possibly give it to him. Unfortunately, they had no idea where to start.

“So,” Varric said breaking the silence that had fallen. “What do we know?”

“Spirit possessed, mage, Grey Warden,” Hawke said thoughtfully. “After so many years of getting along the spirit suddenly wants out even if it means his life. Why?”

“What was it he said exactly?” Varric asked. “Something about correcting their mistake?”

“You must correct our mistake,” Fenris said slowly. “Then he said, ‘Kill me before I am completely lost’.”

“Lost to what I wonder,” Cullen said leaning forward to fold his arms across his desk top. “Perhaps the spirit fears becoming a demon.”

Hawke shook his head slowly. “No,” he said confidently. “Justice was closer to a demon before all this.” He waved his hand around the office and continued. “You didn’t see him after Alrik.”

“That is probably for the best,” Cullen said shaking his head.

“Anders is fulfilling its purpose,” Fenris said from where he stood leaning next to the door. “He doesn’t get angry like he did before, there’s not much reason to. The changes here have made the mages safer and happier.”

“The Grand Cleric told us this morning that Kirkwall’s example is causing unrest among other circles,” Cullen said leaning back again. “Mages everywhere are beginning to demand fair treatment citing the Gallows as an example.”

“So what else could corrupt a spirit?” Hawke asked tapping his chin thoughtfully.

“Darkspawn corrupt everything,” Varric said offhandedly. A moment later he smiled. “Maybe that’s it. Did Blondie ever tell anyone how Grey Wardens become Grey Wardens?”

“He is not particularly loyal to the Wardens but he does keep their secrets,” said Fenris. “All we know is what we learned in that prison.”

“Varric, is that Warden Howe still hanging around?” Hawke asked suddenly excited.

“I don’t know but I can find out,” Varric said returning his grin.

“You’re one beautiful dwarf Varric,” said Hawke leaning over to clap him on the shoulder.

“If he’s anywhere around Kirkwall, I’ll find him,” he said standing.

Varric hurried out the door and before anyone could say anything else Carver knocked on the open door. “Knight-Commander, everyone’s wondering what’s wrong with Anders,” he said closing the door behind him. “They’ve been asking me non-stop since you brought him in.”

“We’re not sure what’s wrong with him Carver,” Hawke said seriously. “Justice took over in Darktown, demanded Fenris kill him, Varania put him to sleep and now we can’t wake him up.”

“So what do we tell everyone?” Carver asked.

“The First Enchanter is very ill and cannot be seen,” Cullen said standing. “I’m going to start the process for getting enough lyrium to send someone into the Fade, how to actually find him there I’ll leave to you. Ser Hawke, I’d like you to take Fenris and your brother to the secured vault.”

“Why the vault?” Hawke asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That red color has been bothering me,” said Cullen grimly. “I’ve just figured out why…it was the exact shade of Meredith’s eyes.”

*

“Wait for him…” Anders repeated after a moment. “Justice, wait!” Anders scrambled to his feet and hurried after him. He caught up to the spirit as he entered the first set of apprentice quarters. “Who’s ‘him’?”

Justice turned for a moment to look at him then knelt to the footlocker in front of him. “Time is short,” he said flipping the lid open.

“You’re not going to tell me are you,” Anders said irritably. “You can’t just throw something out like that and then not tell me.”

“If we cannot find and sever the connection it will not matter if you remember him,” Justice said rummaging through the footlocker. “Our time is better spent searching.”

“That…makes sense I suppose,” he said grudgingly. “What are we looking for anyway?”

“I am not certain.”

“Perfect,” Anders grumbled under his breath.

Together they searched every trunk, nook and closet on the first floor of the tower. They found a couple of things that didn’t belong but Anders doubted the objects were actually what they were looking for. Justice had found the lyrium ring Elissa had given him inside of an empty potion glass. Anders had found a large bird feather resting on a pedestal of one of the statues in the hallway. Justice had said it was probably a hawk feather and refused to explain further.

Besides these few odd things there was nothing else on the first floor that seemed out of place or even powerful. When they reached the second floor Anders sunk down, leaning against a wall until he was sitting and crossed his legs under his skirts. He set the staff next to him and rolled the feather in his fingers as Justice made a cursory search of the room they were in. As he watched the spirit, he noticed that the tendrils of red had moved visibly further down his left leg.

“How much do you remember?” Anders asked quietly after Justice had sunk down wearily next to him.

“Everything,” replied Justice his voice still calm. “I find it strange that you do not.”

“What did you mean earlier?” he asked still staring at the feather. “When you said you were unsuccessful.”

“Our body was put to sleep and I brought us to the Fade,” said Justice softly. “I had hoped that I could separate us but it only partially worked. Here, I now have my own form but in the waking world I would still be trapped within you.”

Silence fell between them. Anders pulled a bit of string he’d found out of his pocket and tied it around the end of the feather. He found it a little hard to believe that they had joined in the first place and that he couldn’t remember anything only made him uneasy. Laying his staff across his lap, he tied the other end of the short string around one of the twigs at the top of the staff he’d found.

It was then he noticed that the two stone dogs had each been decorated. He turned the staff to get a better look. A black feather, probably from a raven or a crow had been tied around the neck of one. The other looked like it might hold one of the enchantments on the staff. Lyrium swirled and looped where it had been etched into the little stone statue. It was quite beautiful and he touched the nose lightly.

Anders gasped as an image sped through his mind. An elf, snow white hair, tanned skin and odd tattoos that stood out clearly against his skin. A greatsword stuck up over one shoulder and the black armor he wore looked like leather with spikes at the shoulders. He was wearing wicked looking clawed gauntlets but the elf was smiling as he reached for a familiar hand, his hand. Keeping the image in his mind he looked at the other one again.

“This one’s me,” he muttered moving his finger to the other stone dog. “And this one…must represent him…little wolf…”

“Where did you find your staff?” Justice asked suddenly.

Startled, Anders squeaked as he dropped the staff back to his lap. He shook his head a little and looked at his current companion. “He’s an elf isn’t he,” Anders said.

“Yes,” Justice said a little shortly. “Your staff?”

He blew out an annoyed breath and gripped the staff tighter. “It was leaning against the door that led out of the dungeons. Let’s go find this…whatever it is…so I can get out of here and maybe find someone willing to help me fill in the last eight years.”

Anders stood and walked purposefully in the direction of the store room. It was disconcerting knowing that eight years of his life were nothing but a soupy fog in his head. It was extremely annoying that there was someone right here who knew what had happened during those years and who also refused to talk about it. He could see no reason for Justice not to at least tell him a few things, important things like who this elf was or even where he was.

The staff was his and he knew that for certain now at least. It seemed to be important to whoever he’d become and Anders suspected the hawk feather might mean something important too, if only he could remember what. With renewed vigor born of irritation, Anders began searching the store room. He searched for anything out of place hoping that they could find this thing that still connected him and Justice or anything else that might give him some clues about what he couldn’t remember.


	4. Chapter 4

“So,” Hawke said slowly as he, Carver and Fenris stood looking at the statue that Meredith and Orsino had become. “What exactly are we supposed to learn from this…thing?” He grimaced in disgust and Fenris was sure his own face was a mirror of Hawke’s. “Why haven’t you done anything with this?”

“We’ve tried,” Carver said grimly. “We’ve had dwarven smiths down here with hammers and chisels. They haven’t been able to even scratch it. Scholars, mages, Tranquil…no one’s been able to figure anything out.”

“So you keep it locked up and warded to avoid anyone going crazy like she did,” Hawke said. “Too bad Sandal’s in Orlias.”

Silence fell as the three men stood looking at what had become of two very powerful people. Fenris shook his head slightly at the near chaos one idol had caused. After Cullen had pointed it out, Fenris could see the similarity between the red that had been taking over the blue on Anders and what he remembered of that fight. He was positive that Justice wasn’t entirely gone like Meredith had been however. His eyes had still been blue.

“The idol was made of lyrium correct?” Fenris asked.

“It was,” Hawke answered. “Anders said it was evil.” He turned to Carver after a moment frowning deeply. “Is that lyrium?”

“Not completely,” Carver said folding his arms over his chest. “We’ve discovered that there’s a lot of lyrium in it but it’s not entirely lyrium.”

“Justice was attracted to lyrium,” said Hawke his frown deepening. “Fenris was Anders spending any time down here?”

“No,” said Fenris shaking his head. “Anders avoided this thing. Why would the demon seek this out anyway? Justice had a much closer source of lyrium…one that doesn’t reek of evil like this does.”

“Maker’s breath…,” Hawke muttered. “Let’s get out of here, this thing’s giving me a headache.”

“Agreed,” Fenris said. He turned and led the way out. Carver locked the door and Hawke reactivated the wards. They were silent as they made their way back up through the Gallows. Fenris didn’t see how that could be connected with Anders in any way. The color similarity may be a coincidence.

Anders had wanted nothing to do with the idol from the beginning. It drove Varric’s brother and Meredith both mad. Sandal had turned the piece of it Bartrand had kept into a rune which had been given to Varric. Whatever Sandal had done to it had made it safe because Varric still had all of his wits.

“Fenris,” said Hawke thoughtfully. “Did Anders ever say why Justice was attracted to lyrium?”

“He said it sang,” Fenris said after a moment. “Reminded him of home or something.”

“Bartrand was going on about a song.”

“It couldn’t have been from the lyrium,” Carver snorted. “I drink the stuff and I’ve never heard it sing.”

“Thank you for reminding me of that unpleasant fact Carver,” Hawke said irritably. “What other song could he have been hearing?”

Fenris stopped walking suddenly as a horrifying thought struck him. A short way down the corridor Hawke and Carver stopped, turning to see what kept him.

“I asked him once,” Fenris said watching the two men in front of him but seeing the conversation he spoke of. “How will you know when your calling comes? I’ll start hearing the darkspawn song. He would say nothing more.”

“Flames,” Carver cursed softly.

“I think we really need to speak to a Grey Warden,” Hawke said frowning deeply.

*

They were still going through the Senior Mages Quarters when Anders walked into the room than had been Karl Thekla’s. So far Justice had found a locket that had belonged to Kristoff, the dead Warden whose body he had occupied before their joining. Anders thought he had just found another item that might mean something to him but he was completely puzzled about just what it might mean.

He’d been in this room far too many times as an apprentice, usually with his arse in the air and his robes bunched around his waist. Anders had spent even more time here as a fully harrowed mage, they had switched then for some reason and it had mostly been Karl’s arse in the air. There were other lovers of course, quick trysts in shady alcoves for both of them but there was slightly more to him and Karl than just sex. Neither of them had ever admitted it but they kept their trysts carefully concealed.

Somehow Karl had survived the mess Uldred had made of the tower, being transferred to Kirkwall soon after Anders had finally gotten a letter through to him at Vigil’s Keep. His pillow had been sent to the Keep, which Anders was eternally grateful for, but he figured it was that letter that had gotten him sent to the Gallows. Apparently they hadn’t been as careful as either of them had thought. That was where his memories of Karl ended.

Anders had known Karl as intimately as one mage could know another. He was a mentor, a lover and a very good friend. Finding a dagger stuck in the middle of his desk when he knew without a doubt that Karl would never stoop to blood magic was very disturbing. Avoiding the desk for the moment, Anders went straight to the mattress and pulled out the book he knew would be under it.

“This is definitely Karl’s room,” Anders said aloud after leafing through it quickly. He dropped it back onto the bed and turned to the desk frowning. “What’s that doing here?”

“Isn’t that the dagger Warden Commander Cousland gave to you?” Justice asked from the doorway.

Slightly horrified, Anders realized it _was_ his dagger. “What’s my dagger doing in Karl’s room?” He turned to face the spirit only to find him gone. “Bloody spirit,” he muttered angrily.

Determined to try and figure this out, he crossed the short span to the desk and looked the dagger over more carefully. It was definitely the one Elissa had given him. Karl had never even seen this dagger so what was it doing in his room? He reached out, stopping with his hand just over the handle. There was no guarantee that simply touching it would bring forth what he sought. It was more likely that he’d be just as puzzled over this as he was the hawk feather or these odd circle robes he wore.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” he said aloud.

Anders gripped the handle firmly and with a quick tug pulled it out of the desk. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was relieved or disappointed when nothing stirred in his mind. Pulling the chair out he sat in it and set the dagger on the desktop and closed his eyes.

“Karl sent to the Gallows,” he murmured. “A place with a nasty reputation…I wanted to get him out…did I go to Kirkwall? I just…can’t remember!”

Frustrated, Anders grabbed the dagger and stalked out into the hallway. He looked around for Justice, determined to get some answers, but didn’t find him in the hallway. Poking his head into every doorway along the curved corridor soon resulted in finding him however. Justice was in the chapel, sitting on one of the benches facing the statue of Andraste.

“Please,” Justice said quietly as he approached. “Ask me no questions.”

“You know,” Anders accused. “Why won’t you tell me anything? Do you know how frustrating it is to simply have so many years of your life gone? I don’t even know where my sleeping body is at!”

“Kirkwall,” he said leaning forward to rest his forearms against knees that were both mostly red now. “I suspect that your memories are gone because I have taken them or masked them somehow…when I tried to force us apart. I have done much damage already…I do not wish to make it worse. He can help you. Part of his life is lost as well.”

Anders stared at him for a moment, his mouth hanging open in shock. “What have I done to you?” he asked quietly.

“It matters little now,” Justice said calmly. “My life is forfeit. I don’t know what I’m becoming but I don’t think it can be stopped. If we cannot find the connection my death will prevent your corruption.”

“No,” said Anders shaking his head. “There has to be a way. Maybe my elf knows something. You have a lot of faith that he’ll show up at some point.”

“He will,” said Justice confidently as he stood. “He will likely do what you cannot.”

Anders looked to the statue of Andraste at the front of the chapel. Their merging hadn’t gone as either of them had thought it would apparently. Justice was certainly different. There were so many things that the spirit hadn’t understood when he’d been forced from the Fade. His calm confidence bordering on arrogance that he was right wasn’t that different. It was his willingness to die that bothered him. That was a very human trait. It only made him want to know what he couldn’t remember even more.

Justice had moved away from him while he thought and when he stood to follow his companion he noticed something was hanging around the statue’s neck. The dark colored amulet stood out clearly against the white stone and he was surprised that he hadn’t noticed it before. He was also fairly sure that it didn’t belong around Andraste’s neck.

“Justice,” Anders called out. The spirit turned toward him and he pointed at the statue. “What’s that?”

He turned and took a few steps towards the statue. “The Seal of Dumat, something that would have significance for both of us.”

“The Seal of Dumat?” Anders said incredulously. “Why would that be of any significance to me?”

“We met another like the Architect. After his death that amulet was found on his body and given to you. Later, I gave it to him.”

“Dumat was the first old god to be raised as an archdemon.”

“Perhaps we have found what we search for.”


	5. Chapter 5

After checking on Anders, watching him sleep turned out to be a little depressing, Fenris decided to accept Hawke’s offer of dinner and an actual bed to sleep in. Varania had reported no change whatsoever. The only time he even moved was when she moved him to coax broth down his throat. Since there was no way for him to help care for the mage without touching him, staying would only frustrate him.

Fenris took his time walking to Hawke’s estate. He wandered through the docks and Lowtown slowly, remembering things they’d done. Saving his life as a child and Justice returning the favor years later, argument’s they’d had before Fenris had been turned into a child, long nights at the Hanged Man playing cards with their friends. The life they had forged together were some of the best years Fenris could remember despite their vastly different views on many things.

Everything they had discovered today only led to more questions, questions that no one here could currently answer except for maybe Anders. It all led back to the Grey Wardens. Anders had made it no secret that he was a Warden. He had even told Varric and himself some of the things he did with them around the arling of Amaranthine before he’d joined with the spirit and come to Kirkwall.

Coming to terms with Anders’ early death had been difficult. If Anders didn’t want one last victory in the Deep Roads Fenris had vowed to himself that he would kill the mage rather than let him become like Larius. He couldn’t imagine Anders like the confused ghoul without shuddering in horror. There was still a good ten to fifteen years before that became an issue however. Anders’ joining with Justice seemed to be having more unexpected side effects. Fenris couldn’t even begin to guess what they were exactly but it was definitely tied to the Wardens.

He finally stood in front of Hawke’s door and knocked, frowning deep in thought. It ultimately didn’t matter what had caused this. If Warden’s couldn’t be found then Fenris would go there alone if he had too. The demon, spirit or whatever else Justice had become was holding his mage in the Fade. Fenris was positive of that. He would give Justice the death that he’d asked for.

*

Leaning against the wall of the now disorganized chapel, Anders sunk slowly to the floor. Justice was pacing in front of the statue of Andraste. He seemed furious that the statue was still completely intact when, between them, the area around it had been reduced to smoldering ruins. The blighted thing was hardly even smudged. Neither of them had even been able to pry the amulet off of the statue.

Anders was beginning to worry about Justice. He didn’t remember ever seeing the spirit quite so angry. During the time they’d been throwing everything they could think of at Andraste and that damn amulet the red had taken over more of the blue. From his knees to his shoulders the spirit was now entirely red. The tendrils had begun moving further down his arms as well as sending a few up his neck.

“Justice,” Anders said wearily. “It’s no use.”

“This is it!” Justice exclaimed frantically. “This must be destroyed!”

“And we can’t do it,” Anders replied. “I’ve used every spell I can think of and more than a few very creatively. Your sword won’t even scratch it.”

Justice turned suddenly and drew his sword again. “Then there is one path left to us,” he said much calmer than he had been moments before. “Stand mage.”

“What are you doing?” Anders asked suspiciously as Justice advanced a few steps towards him.

“Time is short,” he growled. “I cannot wait for him. You must destroy me.”

“No,” Anders said firmly as he scrambled back to his feet. “You’re my friend. There has to be a way to fix this.”

“There is no time!” Justice exclaimed fervently. “The corruption spreads…I cannot allow it to spread further! Strike me down!”

“No.”

“Stubborn mage. Defend yourself!” Justice roared as he raised his sword and rushed forward suddenly.

With wide surprised eyes Anders threw himself to the side, barely catching himself as he landed on the floor. The sharp ringing of sword on stone was drowned by Justice’s deafening roar. He scrambled to his feet and surged forward toward one of the doors. Anders didn’t bother looking back. Even through Justice’s mad raving he could hear his metal clad feet clanking on the stone floor.

Out the door with Justice on his heels, Anders ran through the hallway to the stairs that led to the Great Hall. He bounded up the stairs two at a time and the sound of Justice’s footsteps began to fade. Without slowing he ran for the stairs that led to the Templars Quarters and one of the many hiding spots he knew of in the tower.

Anders closed the door of the small storage closet breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and leaned on the door, wondering why he felt like laughing. There was nothing funny about any of this. Not only were eight years of his life gone, whatever he’d done to his friend during those years had turned him into a homicidal lunatic. If it truly was the taint doing this to Justice then it was likely that nothing besides his death would free them both.

“I must have known something was wrong,” he whispered to himself. “My new self…or would it be my old self…my new old self.” He giggled manically and slapped a hand over his mouth to prevent more hysterical laughter.

Slowly he lowered himself to the floor and leaned on the door. He thumped his head once against it and his hand fell to his lap. “I brought us here,” he said softly when the urge to laugh had finally abated. “He’s keeping us here. I know every hidden corner in this tower. I can avoid him. He should have known I’d run.”

Groaning softly he ran his hands through his hair and was struck by another image. A man filled his vision, short dark hair, scruffy beard and brown eyes. He was clearly angry but Anders could see a good deal of concern as well. Over his shoulder, leaning in a doorway, was the white-haired elf. The very same elf that he thought of as ‘little wolf’ because his mind wouldn’t supply a proper name, that had been smiling warmly and reaching for his hand. He wasn’t smiling in this image. It was more hateful glare than anything else.

“That’s…confusing,” Anders whispered as he frowned. “Definitely the same elf…no mistaking those tattoos. Who is this other one…the hawk…”

“Face me mage!”

Anders clamped his mouth shut. Justice’s shout was muffled and Anders guessed he was in the hallway outside of the room he had hidden in. There hadn’t been enough time pass for him to have searched the entire floor below. Cursing silently, Anders carefully stood and turned to press his ear to the door. He could hear a loud clanging periodically and it sounded closer than the shout had.

Does he know, Anders thought.

“I will find you,” Justice shouted again. This time it sounded like he was in the same room as the storage closet. There was another clanging sound and another shout closer still. “There is no other way! You must destroy me!”

No, he thought, there must be another way. Anders gripped the door handle with one hand and his staff with the other. When he could hear that Justice was close to the door he slammed it open. Justice retreated a few steps to avoid the door and Anders swept his staff in front of him. Jagged ice crystals erupted from the ground and Justice retreated again with a growl of frustration. Anders bolted for the door, knowing that Justice would be right behind him.

*

During supper the situation was explained to Merrill. Hawke asked if she still remembered the ritual she had witnessed Keeper Marethari perform for a mage boy Hawke had helped years ago. Fenris recalled that particular outing even though he’d been a child at the time. This ritual was perfect because, if done correctly, it would send at least four people into the Fade where Anders was. The circle mages could send them into the Fade as well but they would likely have to waste time finding Anders.

After supper Merrill retired to study the ritual further from the books she had managed to salvage from her clan. Fenris wandered through the estate for a while, his thoughts as restless as his feet. He finally settled in the study with a glass of wine and a book taken randomly off of the shelf, flipping through the pages slowly without really seeing any of the words.

He heard a knock on the front door but only stood after he heard Varric speaking. Fenris set the book on the chair and hurried to the doorway of the study. Hawke and Varric were just entering the foyer.

“Did you find him?” Hawke asked.

“I did,” Varric said sounding pleased. “According to my sources not only is Howe still around he left this morning to meet his Commander…the Hero of Ferelden, the very Warden who conscripted Anders and was there when Justice was pulled from the Fade.”

“Are they coming back?” said Hawke raising an eyebrow as he turned to face the dwarf.

“I’ve sent a runner after them,” said Varric nodding. “I only told him to tell them that Blondie was in trouble. That should be enough to get them here by at least noon tomorrow.”

“Why is the Hero of Ferelden in the Free Marches?” Hawke asked curiously.

“Anders,” Fenris said as he stepped into the foyer. “He was exchanging letters with her recently and I remember him saying that she had business somewhere close to Kirkwall and that she might visit.”

“What a stroke of good luck,” Hawke said grinning. “She knows them both and might know what’s going on.”

“How soon can this ritual be performed?” asked Fenris grimly. “What’s happening is secondary to actually fixing it.”

“We’re all worried about him,” Hawke said sympathetically. “We can discuss how soon, where and whatever else Merrill needs tomorrow morning.”

It wasn’t soon enough but Fenris knew that to rush a complex ritual would only spell disaster. He nodded and turned back to the study to sit back down in the chair. The book remained unopened on his lap as he stared at the fire blazing in the hearth.


	6. Chapter 6

Fenris spent a mostly sleepless night in Hawke’s study. Merrill announced at breakfast that the ritual could be ready by that afternoon. With breakfast done, Fenris helped them take what she would need to Anders’ clinic. Even though it wasn’t his original clinic there were still many good memories there. Anders could be left in their room at the Gallows with Varania. The lyrium they would need had been approved and would be brought by Carver and Cullen when everything else was nearly ready.

He waited with Hawke and Varric now that the sun was close to its zenith in the sky. Fenris paced anxiously in front of the gate wanting only to get started but there were still a few hours left before Merrill would be ready. That left them time to wait for the Wardens who would hopefully be arriving soon.

After what felt like hours of waiting and constantly checking the gates as he paced restlessly, he finally saw two people wearing the distinctive armor of the Wardens. The dark-haired rogue he recognized as Nathaniel Howe, having recently saved him from an ill-fated expedition into the Deep Roads. Anders had also spoken of him at length.

The grim looking woman with him could only be Elissa Cousland, the Hero of Ferelden. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a bun, deep green eyes that were hard as stone that locked onto him as he strode forward to meet her. She had high cheek bones, full lips and wore heavy plate armor.

“You must be Fenris,” she said holding out her hand. “Elissa Cousland.” Fenris shook her hand briefly and she continued speaking before he had a chance to reply. “What’s wrong with Anders?”

“Actually,” Hawke said as he came up beside him. “We were hoping you could tell us. Garrett Hawke.”

She took his outstretched hand and shook briefly. The corners of her mouth pulled up in a slight smile as she said, “The Champion of Kirkwall. My Warden has some powerful friends.”

Hawke smiled his most charming smile and shrugged. “I just got lucky.”

“What do you know of Anders’ status?” Fenris asked trying to keep the conversation from wandering too far from why they were here.

Elissa turned back to him and her mouth became a grim line again. “I know he and Justice joined after this fool suggested it,” she said hooking a thumb over her shoulder at Nathaniel. “He wouldn’t tell me why he deserted in any of his letters and I know he’s First Enchanter here. The details of that were also left blank.”

“If you’ll come with us, we’ll explain a few things and hopefully we can figure something out,” said Hawke gesturing towards his estate.

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked again not moving.

“He is being held in the Fade by the demon possessing him,” Fenris said sounding calmer than he felt.

“Justice wasn’t a demon,” Nathaniel said frowning.

“We don’t know what he is now,” said Hawke. “The last time we saw Justice he demanded that Fenris kill him. He looked odd as well.”

Elissa’s eyebrows climbed to her hairline. “Looked odd? How could you have seen him if they’re joined?”

“If you’ll follow me we’ll give you the quick version. We’re planning on going into the Fade shortly and all the information you might be able to give us could be useful,” said Hawke gesturing again.

“If you have a way of sending more than one person I’m going with you,” said Elissa in a tone that brooked no argument.

***

The tale told by Hawke and Varric took far less time than normal. Elissa had listened intently as they gave her every relevant detail about Anders and Justice they knew. They began with that first night in the Chantry when Anders had killed Karl Thekla and ended with the odd coincidences they had discovered yesterday. Fenris remained silent through most of it, standing close to a window so that he could keep an eye on the sun.

She paced the length of the study, frowning deeply as she thought. “This idol drove at least two people mad, one of which claimed to hear a song,” she said thoughtfully. “Are you sure?”

“Bartrand’s mind was completely gone,” said Hawke as he stood by the hearth.

“Blondie said there was nothing he could do,” Varric said quietly. “He said that if Bartrand weren’t a dwarf he’d swear a demon did it. It had to have been the idol.”

“I think Meredith was a bit crazy before she bought the idol off of him but it definitely got worse afterward,” Hawke added. “Both people who had extended contact with it losing their minds…not a coincidence.”

“Were there any darkspawn down in that Thaig when you found the idol?” Nathaniel asked.

“None,” answered Hawke. “I figure the huge rock wraith kept them away. There’s no telling how many centuries it was down there though.”

“Commander, do you think the idol may have been tainted?” he asked looking at Elissa.

“It’s possible I suppose,” she said. “If the idol was pure lyrium it had to have been made safe to handle somehow otherwise anyone who touched it would be poisoned from the lyrium. Whatever that protection was might not extend to the darkspawn taint, therefor tainting the lyrium and driving people who handle it mad. How does that connect with Justice however?”

“Lyrium is magic in a raw form,” Hawke said. “We draw our power from our connection to the Fade.”

“Justice is a creature from the Fade,” Elissa continued. “And all Grey Wardens are tainted.”

Fenris stood as silence fell on everyone in the room. “We should be going,” he said walking purposefully towards the door. If Justice had been absorbing the taint from within Anders for all the years that had passed and it was finally affecting him, then there was very little time to lose. He didn’t want to find out what would happen to his host if the spirit became as crazy as Meredith had.

*

Anders was on the first floor hidden among the shelves of books. He had no idea how long Justice had kept him running but it felt like forever. No matter how far up or down the tower he went Justice always seemed to know where he was at. It was possible that the spirit knew of all his hiding places, taken from his own memories. It was also possible that he didn’t need to know the hiding spots, that he could simply feel Anders wherever he was. Anders hoped it wasn’t the latter.

As much as he didn’t want to, Anders was considering ending this hopeless chase. Justice was giving him no time to think of an alternate solution. Sometimes he barely had enough time for his mana to regenerate somewhat before being hounded once more. It was also disturbing how quickly the red was taking him over. Justice had grown more violent and desperate the longer the chase went on. Anders thought the spirit still didn’t want to really harm him but there had been several close calls the last few times Justice had caught up with him.

He’d lost Justice on the third floor this time but he expected him to show up at any moment. Enough time had passed that his mana reserves weren’t completely empty like they had been when he’d hidden down here. Anders was trying to think of a plan that would incapacitate Justice without killing him but he was so exhausted that thinking of anything beyond survival was difficult.

“Where are we?” said an almost familiar voice.

Anders held his breath and listened intently. It was the first voice he had heard that didn’t belong to either him or Justice. The tower was completely empty except for the two of them. He hadn’t even run into any demons, perhaps they were too scared of Justice.

“The circle tower in Ferelden, Kinloch Hold,” replied a very familiar voice, one he hadn’t really expected to hear, Warden Commander of Ferelden, Elissa Cousland.

“We must find him quickly,” another different voice said.

This voice also sounded somewhat familiar and he lost the thread of their conversation trying to put a face with it. There had been other images that had come to him. He remembered a dwarf with a strange crossbow and a raven-haired Dalish elf. There was also a woman, he thought she wore some sort of uniform armor but she wasn’t a Templar and a pirate he was certain he knew from somewhere. There was also an archer, bright blue eyes and reddish brown hair that was slicked back.

Another familiar voice brought him out of his small reverie. The voice of an archer he remembered well, Nathaniel Howe. “He’s over here Commander.”

“Hello Nathaniel,” Anders said with a tired and slightly sheepish smile. “Never could hide from you.”

“Hello Anders,” he said also smiling.

The next person around the book shelf wasn’t Elissa like he’d expected. It was the elf, the one he’d remembered first. “You’re the little wolf,” Anders said slowly.

He had looked relieved at first but confusion quickly replaced it. “Little wolf?” he said. “Anders, you’ve never called me that.”

“I don’t remember your name,” Anders said quietly wondering which image of the elf was closer to the present. Was it the warm smile or the hateful glare? “I hardly remember you at all…but Justice was positive you’d come.”

“What do you remember Anders?” Elissa Cousland asked authoritatively as she rounded the bookcase as well. “And where is Justice?”

“Can we discuss my memory issues later?” Anders asked tearing his gaze away from the clearly confused and upset elf. “Assuming that the four of you aren’t demons here to feast on the poor tired mage, Justice will probably be here shortly and he hasn’t been very friendly lately.”

“If we were demons we’d hardly admit it,” said the dark-haired man he had remembered second. His voice sounded amused at first but turned serious quickly. “What’s happened Anders? The last time we were here Justice had control of you.”

“I don’t know,” said Anders. The small space behind the bookcase was now very crowded. “I woke in solitary with a splitting headache. After a nap I made my way up here. All I know is what Justice told me and for the record, I don’t remember your name either. ”

“You must remember something or you wouldn’t have called Fenris ‘little wolf’,” he said. “I’m Hawke by the way.”

“I should know you,” said Anders his eyes drifting back to the elf, Fenris. “I want to know you…but all I can remember are images. Moments frozen in time.”

Fenris frowned deeply and his eyes turned into hard chips of jade. “What’s the demon done?”

“He’s not a demon,” Anders said with the strangest feeling that they’d had this discussion many times. “I’m not sure what he is any more.” He stood up straighter and tried to smile. “Since I’m sure your here to help me, I’ll tell you everything I can but…can we do it somewhere a little less…small?”


	7. Chapter 7

Anders pushed aside his problems as he told the four of them what had happened since he woke in solitary. He watched the stairway constantly and listened for Justice. The spirit had always announced his presence when he caught up with him. This was the biggest reason he thought that Justice didn’t really want to hurt him.

“So he tried to separate you but couldn’t quite complete the process,” Elissa said. “He thinks destroying the amulet will finish the job but neither of you could do it.”

“That’s right,” said Anders glancing at the staircase again.

“Why would destroying the amulet finish the process?” Nathaniel asked. “And what would happen to Justice?”

“I don’t know. He wasn’t very talkative before and he sure isn’t now,” answered Anders. “I haven’t really had time to figure anything out because he’s been attacking constantly.”

“Killing him will separate you,” Elissa said following his gaze to the staircase. “I saved a boy in Redcliffe during the blight in a similar fashion.”

“We should try the amulet first,” Fenris said calmly.

“Why would you say that?” Anders said sharply his gaze snapping back to the elf. “He was sure you’d kill him.”

“I will if we cannot destroy the amulet,” he replied meeting his gaze squarely. A wry smile appeared briefly before he continued. “I know you, mage. You still wish to help him.”

Anders arched an eyebrow in surprise and Hawke snickered. “He’s had you figured out for years now Anders,” Hawke said grinning. “Where’s this thing at? It’s been a while since I’ve tried to destroy something.”

“In the chapel,” Anders said slowly his confused eyes never leaving the elf’s calm ones. He dared to hope that the warm smile was closest and it frightened him a little.

The sound of ringing steel brought his mind back to their current situation. Elissa had her shield set and her sword ready. “Warriors to the front, mages to the rear, Howe keep your eyes and ears open we are in the Fade. Let’s go.”

She turned and started for the steps. After a small smile directed at him, Fenris drew his sword and followed. Nathaniel fell in behind them and Hawke beside him as he started up the steps. Anders glanced at him and noticed the staff at his back for the first time.

“You’re a mage,” he said quietly.

“You really don’t remember anything?” Hawke asked sounding concerned suddenly.

Anders shook his head slowly. “Not really,” he sighed. “Like I said before, just images of people…you, him…a few others.”

“How did you know Fenris’ name meant ‘little wolf’ then?”

“I didn’t,” Anders said. It was his turn for a wry smile as he pulled the staff from his back and turned it so that the lyrium etched stone dog was facing Hawke. “The little wolf. I know this is my staff even though I don’t remember owning it, one of the few things Justice did tell me. When I touched this one, an image of him popped into my head. The enchantment looks very similar to his tattoos.”

“Makes sense,” said Hawke contemplatively. “It was supposed to look like his brands. All right, why wolf and not dog?”

“It…sounded right?” he answered feeling slightly confused.

Another image surfaced in his mind. Walking along a coast somewhere, the person in this image was an elven boy, white hair, tan skin and the unmistakable whitish tattoos on his chin and neck. If anything it was more confusing than remembering a warm smile and shortly after a hateful glare on the same face, both expressions clearly aimed at him. How the boy and the man could be the same person was something he was definitely going to ask about.

“Anders?” Hawke said waving a hand in front of his face. “Still with me?”

“Err…yes,” Anders replied shaking his head briefly. “We can talk about this later. Let’s focus on getting out of here for now.”

At the top of the staircase Justice was waiting for them in the middle of the room. Elissa and Fenris separated slightly as they walked forward. Nathaniel circled around to the side, an arrow knocked and ready. Hawke pulled his staff and set his feet. There was silence for a long moment and it was alarming how very little blue was left.

“Commander,” Justice said calmly.

“Maker’s breath…,” she muttered sounding horrified.

“There is very little time left,” said Justice as he turned to Fenris. “If you wish to save him then destroy me.”

“Do you remember the idol?” Fenris asked just as calmly. “The piece the dwarf hid in his mansion?”

“Sandal purified it somehow,” Hawke added.

“I am not made of lyrium,” Justice said dismissively. “You waste time.”

“Is it possible to cleanse him then?” Anders asked hopefully.

“If anyone could figure it out I’m sure it would be you,” Hawke said glancing at him. “Let us try and destroy the amulet first.”

“And if you fail as we did?” Justice asked.

“Then you die,” Fenris said simply.

“Choose quickly,” said Elissa. “If it works you’ll finally be where you belong.”

Justice turned to Anders and they watched one another. Anders nodded, hoping that one of them could destroy the amulet. Even though he didn’t remember it, he knew that he had agreed to their joining. It was his fault the spirit was now in this horrible situation. If there was a way to cleanse him Anders would spend the rest of his life trying to find it.

“Be swift,” said Justice softly. “There is very little time left.”

Elissa ran for the chapel with Nathaniel and Hawke on her heels. Justice followed at a calm walk and Fenris, with his sword still drawn and ready, kept the spirit in striking distance. Anders brought up the rear and stopped briefly when a sharp spike of pain went through his head. They were just outside the chapel when Justice stopped walking and put a hand to his head.

Anders gasped and fell against the wall at the same time. The splitting headache he had woken with was back and it was worse. Fenris half turned to him, concern shining in his eyes. Justice roared as Anders sank to his knees his hands pressed to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. He heard Justice again and then Fenris growling just before the sounds of fighting began. Another bolt ripped through his head and this time he screamed. It felt as if something inside shattered then a bright light that was everywhere and then nothing.

*

Fenris opened his eyes and sat up on one of the cots in the clinic. Hawke groaned to his left and Elissa muttered to his right. Merrill came up to him looking slightly concerned but he waved her away. She veered over to Hawke and sat next to him. He tried to make sense of the last thing he remembered, Anders’ scream and Justice’s sudden ferocity.

“Hawke,” he said wondering what the bright light had been. After Justice turned and attacked him the light surrounded them, it was everywhere, seen clearly even through his closed eyes.

“Maker…I’m still seeing spots,” Hawke muttered as he rubbed at his eyes.

“What happened?” Merrill asked anxiously. “The four of you moaned all at once.”

“Did it work?” Carver asked offering him a hand up.

“I think so,” Hawke said. “What was that bright light?”

“Who knows,” said Elissa as she sat up as well. “Maker I hate the Fade.”

Fenris was pulled to his feet and he looked around the clinic. Everything looked as it had when he’d fallen asleep but someone was missing. “Where’s Cullen?” he asked impatiently looking at Carver.

“He went back to the Gallows,” Carver said.

He swore and pushed past Carver on his way to the door. Without waiting to see if any of them followed him he ran through Darktown to the docks. If Cullen had gone back to the Gallows he was likely with Anders. There was a very good chance that he still didn’t remember any of their time in Kirkwall. If he woke and found Cullen standing over him…Fenris couldn’t see that ending well.

*

Anders groaned and blinked a few times before managing to keep his eyes open. He didn’t recognize the room but he’d sort of expected that. Pushing the blankets that covered him off of his hands, he brought them to his head and cast a healing spell.

“First Enchanter!” a female voice said beside him.

So I am in the circle, he thought sourly. The pounding in his head lessened as he poured his magic into it. Finally he was able to sit up. “Knight-Commander he’s awake!” said the same female sounding very excited this time.

He looked over to see an elf, red hair and a pair of familiar green eyes, reaching to steady him. Anders smiled at her as he looked around the room for the mage she had called to. His search halted almost immediately on the Templar now standing behind her.

“Anders, are you all right?” Cullen asked looking concerned.

“You’re the Knight-Commander!” he sputtered, unsure if he was angry, frightened or somewhere in between.

“Yes,” he answered cautiously. The corners of his lips pulled down and his brow creased in confusion.

“No…,” said Anders shaking his head violently. “No…this has to be a dream…I’ve been drinking with Ohgren again…”

“What’s wrong?” Cullen asked as he stepped around the now standing elf. He reached out with one hand and Anders pinched his own wrist in an attempt to wake himself.

Awake or asleep he didn’t want that hand anywhere near him and Anders batted it away. He scrambled to his feet, slowly walking around the confused pair to the door. Cullen watched him almost as closely as Anders watched him. He was expecting a smite or a mana drain as he reached for the door handle but it never came. The elf watched him, curious confusion clear in her gaze. He opened the door without looking at it and backed slowly out feeling a tiny bit of relief when Cullen didn’t follow. Anders turned down the hallway and ran.

“Stop Anders,” Cullen’s voice sounded from behind, calm and commanding just like he remembered.

To his horror, Anders stopped running instantly, his body following the command despite his mind’s frantic need to get away. He closed his eyes and forced his feet to move without paying any attention to where he was going. It didn’t matter where as long as it was away from him. Anders already hated Kirkwall.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I can't count very well. In previous chapters it's stated that around eight years have passed since Anders and Justice joined. That number is actually more like nine or ten. Oops. =/

Fenris didn’t think the short trip across the harbor had ever seemed quite so long. He paced impatiently along the railing and watched the Gallows draw slowly closer. Everyone had followed him but only Hawke understood the potential disaster waiting for them. Both of them had refused to answer Elissa’s questions that everyone wanted to ask.

When the ferry finally docked, Hawke and Elissa were both right behind him. He ran through the portcullis and swore again when he saw Cullen standing in the middle of the courtyard. His arms were folded across his chest, a frown pulled his lips into a thin line and his eyes were hard. Fenris stopped in front of him with Hawke to one side and Elissa to the other.

“Where is he?” Hawke asked.

“Gone,” Cullen replied shortly his gaze never wavering from Fenris. “What happened? I know that something is still wrong with him. He was surprised that I’m Knight-Commander then looked at me like I was a darkspawn before he ran.”

“Andraste’s ass!” Hawke exclaimed.

“Anders doesn’t remember anything after his joining with Justice,” Fenris said angrily. “There was little time to warn him in the Fade.”

“What’s going on here?” Elissa demanded.

“I’m sorry Warden Commander,” Cullen said his eyes flickering to her for a moment. “If he didn’t tell you then neither will I. Varania tried to catch him but he slipped away. I’ve sent runners to the Harbor Master, the gate guards and Viscount Vael. My men are currently searching the Gallows.”

“You aren’t going to find him in the Gallows,” Hawke said confidently. He turned and spoke quickly and quietly to Merrill and Varric and they both ran back towards the ferry. “The tunnels under Kirkwall are extensive and he knew the ones running under here like the back of his hand.”

“Why would he remember the tunnels if he doesn’t remember anything else?” asked Cullen.

“Just a hunch,” Hawke said dismissively. “I’ve sent Merrill to inform Aveline and get the guards searching. Varric is going to get his people looking. Cullen if you could get your men searching Lowtown that would be great. Fenris, you know Darktown the best and they trust both of you.”

“How can Nathaniel and I help?” Elissa said sounding irritated.

“I was hoping you’d come with me into the tunnels,” said Hawke. “Knight-Commander, would you let me borrow Carver?”

Cullen nodded and said bitterly, “I suppose I will remain here.”

“Give it time Cullen,” Hawke said as he turned back to the portcullis.

Fenris lingered for a moment as the others ran back the way they had come. Cullen’s face was an impassive mask as they stared at one another and he wondered what the Templar was feeling. His own feelings were very muddled and he was sure Cullen’s were as well. Was it better to be remembered badly or not remembered at all? The Knight-Commander turned without saying a word and strode purposefully towards the Gallows. Fenris watched him walk away before turning as well and hurrying after Hawke.

The first place he searched was the old clinic. It looked as if it hadn’t been touched in all the years since its destruction. The desk was canted at an odd angle, the papers scattered around it now crumbling to dust. Broken cots and torn sheets littered the room along with a generous scattering of broken glass. Everything had a layer of filth coating it and the cobwebs were undisturbed before he parted them.

From there he searched the new clinic, still finding no sign of the mage. Fenris searched through the expanse of Darktown for hours. He stopped and spoke with anyone he came across. At least half of those he spoke to were now searching as well. Even though Anders hadn’t been down here regularly for a long time, some of the residents still remembered him. He had cared when no one else did and to a certain extent he tried to help them still.

One of his projects for bored mages was helping with the clinic that Fenris still opened. This task wouldn’t bring any coin to the Chantry or the Gallows because he had insisted it still be run free of charge for those with none. Some of the other projects, if approved, would provide the coin needed to run the clinic.

There was also a group of children who had come to Kirkwall with a mage. The mage had been an unfortunate victim of Meredith, pushed to blood magic just before they had stormed the Gallows. Anders had done what he could for the poor woman but she had ended up Tranquil. The blight orphans she had gathered were essentially parentless and destitute. At Anders’ request, Fenris had taken them to Hawke.

The younger ones had been found homes, the elder ones jobs. Most of them had moved on to Lowtown and some to Hightown but a few had remained in Darktown. Though Anders hadn’t been able to save Evelina the ones that had stayed in Darktown appreciated his efforts when Orsino had made none. It was the eldest of these children, Walter, who finally found him. Fenris was deep in the many tunnels of Darktown when Walter came up to him at a run.

“Fenris!” he exclaimed panting as he slid to a stop. “We found Anders! He won’t let anyone close but the others have him cornered in a dead end.”

“Take me there quickly,” Fenris said.

He followed Walter through the maze of tunnels to an area he was positive he had already searched. The three teens at the opening of the dead end parted silently and Fenris walked slowly down the dark tunnel. Seated close to the one torch, Anders watched him warily. His long legs were folded under him, hidden by his filthy nightshirt. Dirt was smudged on his cheeks and fingers, his unbound hair damp, and his face was as close to expressionless as the mage had ever managed.

“Why am I being guarded by children?” he asked flatly when Fenris knelt in front of him.

“They only wish to help,” Fenris said softly. He resisted the urge to swipe at the grime on his cheeks. “I know about your year in solitary.”

His eyes widened a fraction and he frowned. “How could you? I’ve never told anyone about…that.”

“ _You_ told me,” said Fenris as he sat in front of him. “Hawke knows as well but no others. You swore us to secrecy and we haven’t spoken of it since.”

Anders’ gaze drifted to the side, over his shoulder and they fell silent. There were so many things he wanted to ask and just as many he wanted to tell. He wanted so badly to take the mage in his arms and comfort him, reassure him that things would work out. Fenris didn’t dare do any of it. He didn’t want to frighten Anders more than he already was and he wasn’t sure if it would be welcome. So he sat and waited.

“At least I know I can trust you,” Anders said softly after a while. “Why did they let me run? None of them stopped me…they didn’t even try.”

“You are First Enchanter of the Gallows.”

“What!?!” he said in a horrified whisper as his gaze snapped back to Fenris.

“There is much you need to know,” said Fenris calmly. “Come with me.”

“I’m not going back there!” Anders exclaimed in a panic. “I can’t!”

He tried to rise but Fenris grabbed his arm. “Not back to the Gallows,” he said quickly. “I’m sure Hawke won’t mind letting us stay with him for a while.”

With a confused look on his face, Anders stared at his arm where Fenris held him. Only then did he realize that nothing had happened. The sleeve of his nightshirt was pushed up to his elbow and the lyrium burned into his palm was touching the mage’s bare skin in several spots. There was no reaction, no tingling pulses, and no magic racing along his markings beyond the familiar ones that told him a mage was near. Justice was truly gone.

Fenris remained still as Anders took his hand and turned it over. Carefully avoiding the sharp talons of his gauntlets, he traced one of the lyrium lines in his hand. Anders looked at him again and the confusion had been replaced with disbelief.

“Lyrium,” he said his eyebrows climbing to his hairline. “Are they all lyrium? How are you not dead?”

“They are all lyrium,” said Fenris softly watching Anders reach for his chin in awe. “And I believe I’m the only one he performed the ritual on that actually lived. I’m not sure why or how I survived when others didn’t.”

One of the brands was traced from his chin down to his neck before Anders’ cheeks colored and he pulled his hand away. He dropped Fenris’ hand as well and folded his own tightly in his lap. “I’m…sorry,” he stuttered. “I shouldn’t presume…I just…”

“It’s all right,” Fenris said smiling. “Over the years you’ve traced nearly all of the brands…and not just with your fingers.”

His flush deepened but Anders finally smiled. It was replaced with caution quickly however. “In the Fade, I got the impression from Justice that we were…are…a couple. If we’re together, and you said ‘us’ just now before I became distracted by all that lyrium. How does that work if I’m First Enchanter?”

“I live with you in the Gallows,” Fenris said as he stood. “You have made many changes.” He held his hand out to Anders after brushing off his leggings. “Come with me, you can bathe and change into something that isn’t a night shirt and then we can talk.”

“Add in something to eat and you’ve got a deal,” Anders said his smile resurfacing. He hesitated a moment before taking his hand and Fenris pulled him to his feet, his heart a bit lighter than it had been before.


	9. Chapter 9

Anders was filthy, very confused and extremely exhausted but he felt better than he had before Fenris had shown up. He wasn’t exactly sure how he’d gotten down in the tunnels and he thought he would have ended up completely lost. It had taken him far less time to find people than it should have. Avoiding them had been easy enough as well. They didn’t look particularly friendly and given his current state of dress, avoiding them had seemed like the better option.

He was honestly glad that he was wearing anything at all since he had a habit of sleeping in his small clothes or nude, depending on if he actually wore his small clothes. It was his lack of proper footwear that had forced him to stop, that and the four children he couldn’t seem to shake. Anders hadn’t spoken to them but had made it clear he wanted to be left alone. His staff might still be in the room he’d awakened in but he was far from defenseless. After they’d chased him down the dead end three of them blocked the exit and the fourth had run off. Anders had sat, rubbing his sore feet, feeling thirsty and hungry with no way to fix either of them. The easiest solution would have been to find his way back or turn himself into a Templar but he wouldn’t ever do that.

Spending most of your life running from the circle and then waking to find you’re the First Enchanter of one was not only improbable but extremely unbelievable. What made that unlikely bit of news even harder to swallow was the identity of the Knight-Commander. Anders couldn’t imagine any situation in which he’d agree to take the damn post in the first place but especially not with Cullen as Knight-Commander.

Getting over his unhealthy obsession with the Templar had been hard enough. He was still not sure how he should feel about Cullen. It was a punishment, one that had been unfair to begin with, inflicted upon Anders by Templars like Cullen who simply wanted a troublemaker out of the way. It was frightening and embarrassing how much Anders had depended on Cullen the last half of that year.

Cullen’s motives were very unclear but he had been positive then and even now that the Templar had actually cared. It only made being sent away, alone, that much harder to understand. He didn’t like thinking about it and after his conscription he didn’t think that he’d ever cross paths with that particular Templar again.

Anders hadn’t told anyone, not Elissa or the family he’d spent most of the blight with, about that year in solitary. Finding out that not just one person but two actually knew the details of that year was almost inconceivable. It was possible that Cullen had told them but Fenris didn’t seem like the sort of person who would lie for personal gain. Justice hadn’t spoken of the elf very much and besides the impression that Anders and Fenris were romantically involved, he thought the spirit had respected Fenris. That couldn’t have been easy to accomplish. So despite the horrifying revelations he did feel better. There were at least two people he was fairly certain he could trust.

Following Fenris out of the dead end alley of wherever they were, he was looking forward to a bath and a meal. Anders waited a short distance behind him as he spoke to the three teens and the fourth that had brought Fenris there. They smiled and nodded and all four of them ran off. Fenris turned and waved him forward.

“Don’t be alarmed if some of the people down here come up to us,” he said quietly. “Before you became First Enchanter you ran a free clinic and some of them still remember.”

“I ran a free clinic?” asked Anders with a raised eyebrow. It sounded like a lot of work but still much better than First Enchanter.

“Does that surprise you?” Fenris asked almost cautiously as he led them up a staircase.

“Not really,” he replied with a shrug. “I’m a healer. How else do you think I got caught so many times?”

The smile Fenris shot over his shoulder at him was small but Anders would swear there was a hint of pride in it. When they were up the staircase the elf slowed his pace to match Anders’ slower one. The silence that fell between them felt comfortable and Anders observed his surroundings carefully.

This part of Kirkwall was definitely worse than any alienage he’d seen. Refuse littered the tunnels and its occupants were as filthy as he was. The people that didn’t come up and talk to them watched them warily, some hands straying to knives and daggers as they passed. He didn’t find it surprising at all that he would seek refuge with the poverty stricken. They were overlooked and ignored, two very important things for an apostate who didn’t want to be found. Using his gift to make their lives a little better was something he’d done before.

The fact that he found his surroundings strangely familiar when he didn’t remember them at all was an extremely odd feeling. As they climbed another staircase that odd familiarity multiplied. There were two doors, both broken off their hinges and in pieces, with an unlit lamp in between that stood not far from the top of the stairs. Anders veered towards them, pulled by something inside…memories that stayed just out of reach.

He stood in one of the doorways and touched the frame lightly with his fingers, looking at the horrible mess beyond. Undefined sadness rose up within him as he gazed at pieces of wood that had been cots, shattered glass everywhere and shredded fabric. A desk with a broken leg sat near the doorway and he made his way carefully to it, kneeling amongst its spilled contents. The paper broke into several pieces when his feet touched it, brittle with age and exposure.

“What is this place?” he asked softly turning his head to look at Fenris’ silhouette in the doorway.

“Your old clinic,” Fenris said just as quietly.

“What happened here?” Anders said as he looked around the room again, seeing clearly how it should have looked.

“Templars,” said Fenris. “Cullen, he was Knight-Captain then, risked much to warn me of the raid. Hawke and I arrived minutes before they did.”

Anders closed his eyes and tried to remember. If he had lived here there should be many things that happened but he could remember nothing beyond an image of what the place looked like before it had been destroyed. He clenched his hands into fists and growled in frustration. The memories of anything that had happened here stayed irritatingly just out of reach.

Turning to Fenris as he stood Anders realized he had remembered something that had happened here. The elf was currently leaning just inside the doorway, his hands hanging at his sides rather than crossed over his chest. His expression now was hidden in shadows but the hateful glare that still puzzled Anders was very clear in his mind.

“We didn’t always…get along…did we?” Anders asked.

“No,” Fenris said sounding amused. “We did not.”

“What’s so funny?”

“It took an unusual…accident…for us to see one another as something other than enemies. I can tell you what I remember if you wish.”

“I’m definitely curious but does that mean you don’t remember all of it?”

“I remember most of the time I spent as a child in your care but not all of it. I also remember next to nothing of my life previous to the ritual that burned the lyrium into my skin.”

There were now several things Anders wanted to know about. How and why he’d become First Enchanter, how Cullen had become Knight-Commander if he was protecting an apostate, how hate had become something more but this child business was suddenly what he wanted to know the most. He looked back at the ruined clinic, knowing he would come back at some point, and then carefully made his way back to the door.

“I think I’d like that,” he said trying to smile but yawning instead.

“Perhaps it can wait until tomorrow,” said Fenris. “Come.”

As tired as he was, Anders didn’t really want to go to sleep. He wasn’t very excited to see what might be waiting for him in the Fade but followed Fenris without making a fuss. They were standing in front of a door not far away from his ruined clinic.

“Where does this go?” Anders asked after he stifled another yawn.

“Hawke’s estate in Hightown,” Fenris said producing a key from his pouch. “You were given the key when I insisted on staying with you after I was turned into a child. After that was resolved, he never asked for the key back and we hid you in his cellar many times.”

“He must be a good friend,” said Anders thoughtfully. “To put himself at risk for me.”

“He is,” said Fenris simply. “Hawke has helped us many times…”

After the door was shut and locked behind him, Anders followed Fenris upstairs and through several rooms to the kitchen. The estate was impressive, not lavish like one would expect of a noble. Furniture was simple but sturdy, decorations expensive but not tacky and so far the only servant he’d seen was an elven woman in the kitchen who let out a startled gasp at their sudden appearance.

Her hands fluttered at her throat for a second before she curtseyed deeply. “Messere Fenris, Messere Anders,” she said in a rush. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear your knock.”

“It’s all right Orana,” Fenris said gently. “We came up through the cellar. Is Hawke home yet?”

“No Messere,” she said not quite meeting his eyes. “Shall I prepare a room?”

“Yes and a bath please,” Fenris said smiling at her.

“Right away Messere,” she said curtseying deeply again before leaving quickly.

Anders sunk into one of the chairs tiredly, trying to scrub some of the dirt off of his fingers. “Why wouldn’t she look at us?” he asked curiously.

“She was a slave,” Fenris said setting a glass full of water in front of him. “My former master’s apprentice brought her with while looking for me. We freed her and Hawke took her as a servant but she has never quite gotten used to freedom.”

He looked up as Fenris set a plate of bread and cheese in front of him. Anders wasn’t sure which bit of information to process first from that statement. That Hawke had a freed slave for a servant or that Fenris had been a slave. The lyrium tattoos suddenly made more sense but it also brought up a lot more questions. Anders sighed as Fenris sat across from him and decided that he wouldn’t be asking anymore questions tonight. He felt overwhelmed as it was and any more disturbing revelations just might send him into a fit.

Fenris was quiet as Anders drained the water and set to work on the bread and cheese. His glass was refilled and Orana came back long enough to inform them that a bath was ready. With the plate empty, he pushed it away and yawned again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat so little,” Fenris said after Anders declined a second helping.

“I’m more tired than hungry now,” he replied stifling another yawn. “How long was I asleep?”

“No more than a day and a half.” Fenris stood and gestured for him to follow.

Anders hauled himself to his feet once more and followed after a short bark of laughter. “You’d think I’d be more awake after that long.”

“I doubt it was restful.”

Following Fenris through the estate once more he was led up the stairs and into one of the guest rooms. The big bed looked soft and inviting with the blankets already turned down. An open doorway led to a small adjoining bathing chamber with the tub full of steaming water. Orana knocked cautiously on the door frame almost as soon as they entered however.

“Messere Fenris,” she said cautiously. “Master Hawke and Mistress Merrill have returned. I must prepare more guest rooms but…I thought you would like to know.”

“Thank you Orana,” Fenris said smiling kindly. She sort of returned his smile and curtseyed before she left. Turning back to him, Fenris said “Should you need anything, I’ll be just down the hall.”

“I’ll be fine,” Anders said flapping his hands at the elf.

He smiled again before leaving, that same enigmatic small smile he’d given Anders just before going up the stairs in the Fade. It seemed like a familiar thing, like Anders was of a privileged few to see it. Anders shook his head as he continued on to the bath. He was simply too exhausted to try and figure out a relationship that he didn’t remember having.

Anders stripped off the night shirt and dropped it to the floor. He spent a minimal amount of time scrubbing himself clean, noticing a few new scars he didn’t remember getting as he did. The room was still empty when he stepped back into it after toweling himself dry. The bed looked more inviting than it had before and he slipped between the sheets without bothering to find something else to put on. With the lamps still burning, he pulled up the blankets, shuffled around until he lay on his side and knew no more until morning.


	10. Chapter 10

Fenris stood in front of the door to the guest room Anders had slept in last night. A messenger from the Gallows had arrived early this morning with a few things for the mage, some of his robes and his staff among them. There had also been a letter from Cullen. It was the letter that made him pause before knocking on the door. The sheet of paper sat innocently on top of the folded robes, also folded in half with ‘First Enchanter’ written on it in Cullen’s cramped but neat writing.

Hoping it wouldn’t make things worse somehow, Fenris knocked on the door with the end of the staff. After a moment he heard Anders, his voice still thick with sleep, “Who is it?”

“Fenris,” he replied calmly.

“Come in.”

Shifting the staff from one hand to the other, Fenris opened the door and shut it again before turning around. Anders was sitting up in bed, the blankets pooled around his waist, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He leaned the staff against the wall near the door and set the robes at the end of the bed.

“How are you feeling?” Fenris asked trying not to stare at his naked torso. It had been well over a week since the last time they had been intimate. Now that they could touch each other without being reduced to tears from pain, it was extremely frustrating that he was still not allowed to touch…even if it was self-imposed. Fenris assumed nothing, though he hoped that he wouldn’t have to win Anders’ heart a second time.

“A little…disoriented,” he said with a wry smile as his hands fell to his lap. “Confused when this wasn’t my bed at Vigil’s Keep then a little surprised to find myself alone.”

“You expected me to sleep with you?” Fenris said arching an eyebrow in shock.

“In the chair at least,” said Anders leaning back, resting his weight on his hands. “After that comment yesterday…”

The morning light glinted off of the slightly darker hair on his chest and his eyes followed the trail down his stomach that disappeared under the blanket at the top of Anders’ hips. Fenris snapped his eyes back to the mage’s face and saw a knowing smirk. His eyes sparkled mischievously and Fenris returned his smirk.

“You tease,” he stated lightly. “I am not without restraint however. I don’t wish to…impose…myself upon you.”

“So thoughtful…thank you,” said Anders sitting up with a more genuine smile.

“You’re welcome,” said Fenris returning his smile. “Breakfast is almost done and will be served in the kitchen. Join us when you’re ready.”

“I’ll just be a moment,” he said.

Fenris turned and slipped out of the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. He leaned back on it and sighed. He had seen the mage’s playful side many times. It was a little unexpected to see it surface so quickly however. Pushing off of the door he made his way to the kitchen wondering how many more surprises he would face.

Hawke was already seated at the table when he arrived and Fenris sat as well. Orana bustled around, putting finishing touches to serving platters and arranging them on the table. When everything was to her satisfaction she took a plate full that she had kept for herself. After a small bow to Hawke she exited quietly.

“Good Morning Fenris,” Hawke said cheerfully after nodding back to Orana. “How’s he doing?”

“As well as can be expected,” said Fenris.

Frowning at the folded slip of paper in his hand, Anders walked slowly into the kitchen. He sat next to Fenris and said, “Is this from…him?”

“It is,” answered Fenris.

Shaking his head, Anders folded it again and it disappeared into a pocket of his robes. “I’m not ready to deal with that,” he said softly.

“You’d better get ready,” said Elissa from behind them. Nathaniel was standing behind and off to the side of her, a deep frown upon his features.

“Commander,” Anders said as he stood and turned to face her.

“No longer,” she said. “I can sense no taint within you.”

“It seems that Justice has absorbed all of it,” Nathaniel said calmly but still frowning. “What exactly happened to him?”

“I’m not tainted,” Anders said numbly and practically fell back down on his chair. Inside Fenris was overjoyed but was careful to keep his features neutral. After a moment Anders looked at the archer. “I don’t know what happened to Justice. He said that he was absorbing the taint and that it would drive him mad. I’m sorry Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel closed his eyes for a second and shook his head. “Is there any way you can help him?” he asked sitting across from Fenris.

“If there is, I’ll find it,” said Anders determinedly. “He was my friend too.”

“Unless Justice decides to contact one of us, I doubt we’ll know what happened to him,” Hawke said seriously.

“If Anders is no longer tainted is he free of the Grey Wardens?” Fenris asked as Elissa strode around the table and sat across from Anders.

“It’s unprecedented,” she said tapping the table with her finger. “If anyone in Wiesshaupt finds out he’ll likely be taken there, by force if necessary, to be studied.”

Anders grimaced. “So my choices are to hide from the Wardens in the circle or become an apostate wanted by both.”

“Basically,” Elissa said earnestly. “From your letters, it seemed like you were fairly happy. It’s your choice of course, but I’d suggest you stay here. I don’t know what your problem with Cullen is but you got over it once. If you do choose to stay here, I’ll make sure the Wardens never bother you. All I ask is that you continue to keep our secrets.”

“I’ll keep the Warden’s secrets no matter what,” Anders said slowly.

“Good morning everyone,” Merrill said in a rush as she hurried in. She sat next to Hawke and looked around at all the serious faces and a tiny worried frown appeared. “Did I miss something?”

“No more than usual, love,” Hawke said fondly. “Now, let’s eat before it gets cold.”

After breakfast was done and dishes stacked neatly on the counter, the six of them retired to the study. Fenris sat in his usual spot on the stairs and smiled when Anders sat next to him. Merrill sat on the floor in front of the hearth and Hawke sunk down next to her. The Dalish was unusually quiet, as was Hawke. Elissa and Nathaniel sat in the chairs in front of the hearth.

“Where would you like us to start Anders?” Hawke asked quietly when everyone was settled.

“The last thing I remember clearly is Justice approaching me in Vigil’s Keep,” he replied. “So let’s start there.”

*

Anders leaned in the doorway of his ruined clinic, deep in thought. Fenris had relayed what he had been told of their joining and his journey to Kirkwall. Hawke had taken over from there, telling how he had met Anders and their first adventure together. His breath hitched at the thought of Karl again and he wiped a stray tear from his cheek.

Over the course of about four hours they had covered almost four years of his life he still couldn’t remember. The only thing they said that he found hard to believe was Hawke dueling the Arishok to the death and the horrific way Hawke’s mother had died. It had been odd listening to Hawke and Merrill describe the hate that had existed between him and Fenris before the incident that turned the elf into a child.

He had needed a break. It was too much and not enough all at once. Elissa had cornered Fenris, Nathaniel going to the market for supplies they would need when they left, Merrill had trotted into the kitchen to help Orana with a late lunch and Hawke had simply disappeared. Anders had come down here to think and to grieve for a friend that had died long ago at his hand.

It was hard not to be angry at what had happened to Karl. Harrowed mages were not supposed to be made Tranquil. It was also very hard not to be furious about the mage that had murdered Hawke’s mother. Wretched blood mages like that is what kept all the innocents in the circle to be abused. He was also amazed that after suffering at the hands of a demented blood mage, Fenris had the courage to care for one. Care that ran so deep he had followed Anders to the Gallows.

“Here you are.”

Anders turned to see Hawke closing the door to his cellar. “Hello Hawke,” he said taking a step away from the doorway he leaned on.

“I think we might need to save Fenris from your former Commander,” Hawke said lightly as he grinned. “She’s still quizzing him on all the changes you’ve made in the Gallows.”

“Too bad I can’t remember them either,” Anders said sourly. “Who thought of putting a possessed mage in the highest position one can hold anyway?”

“We haven’t gotten there yet,” said Hawke with an amused smirk. “But I’m the one who suggested it and I still think it’s a good idea.”

“Considering some of the horrible things I said and did, you’re confidence in me is staggering.”

Hawke closed the space between them and gripped his shoulder. “I can’t imagine what it must be like to have so many years simply gone,” he said sympathetically. “You’ve always been a good friend and you’ve saved my life more times than I can count. Take as much time as you need.”

Anders sighed heavily and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know what to think, I don’t know how to feel, I’ve always ran from responsibility…and now I wake to find that I have an entire circle to be responsible for.”

“Give it some time Anders,” Hawke said gripping his other shoulder as well. “I know you’ve only remembered a few things but you don’t seem that different to me. You still made it through the tunnels by yourself, and I got lost in them. You sat next to Fenris at breakfast and in the study. There are a dozen little things, habits that you don’t think about. Like that look on your face right now. The one that says I think you’re crazy.”

He couldn’t help the smile or the warmth he felt inside. “If you recognize that you must have seen it a lot.”

Hawke laughed and shifted so that his arm was around Anders’ shoulders. “There were some days I did things just to see it,” he said leading the way back to his cellar.

“I’m a little surprised I didn’t go after you.”

“You tried once,” said Hawke with a smirk. “I left that bit out because I’m not sure Fenris ever knew that you tried flirting with me and I like my heart where it’s at. Speaking of Fenris, I’m not going to tell you what you should do but I will say this. I’ve never seen either of you as happy before you were together, than what you were after.” He opened the door and ushered Anders through it. Clapping his hands once and rubbing them together after the door was shut and locked, Anders saw a merry twinkle in his eye as he said, “Let’s go see if Fenris needs a hand.”

Anders understood now what had drawn him to this man. He still felt overwhelmed but it was comforting knowing that he had friends who would let him have the time he needed to figure out his life now. His hand drifted to the pocket with Cullen’s letter and back out seconds later. He just wasn’t ready to deal with Cullen yet.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter than the other chapters but a major serious conversation. It took me a while to get it exactly the way I wanted it. Hope you enjoy!

“Orlesians,” Anders grumbled as he sat back down on the bench next to Fenris.

After lunch Fenris had suggested a tour of Kirkwall, hoping to trigger some memories. It had worked for him after the child incident but it didn’t seem to be working for Anders. He didn’t think the mage had remembered anything during their extensive trip through Hightown. They had been stopped by numerous residents however. Most shook his hand but all of them wished him a speedy recovery from his ‘sudden illness’.

Fenris was surprised at how well Anders had handled it all. He was fairly certain that the citizens of Kirkwall had been told what Cullen had spread through the Gallows. They had no idea that the First Enchanter didn’t remember any of them and they went about their business none the wiser. Anders nodded and smiled, shook hands, gave vague answers to questions and reassured them that he was on his way to a full recovery. It was impressive to watch him fool them, especially when he knew that two days ago Anders couldn’t tell a believable lie to save his soul.

“Why were they so much… _more_ than everyone else?” Anders asked quietly after a moment.

“They have a son in the Gallows, I believe his name is Emile,” answered Fenris. “Having a mage child in Kirkwall isn’t quite the stigma it used to be.”

They were currently sitting in one of the public gardens scattered around Hightown. The spot Fenris had chosen was secluded, hoping they wouldn’t be noticed until they went back to Hawke’s estate. So far the Du Launcet’s were the only ones that had wandered by. A comfortable silence had fallen between them and Fenris watched him carefully out of the corner of his eye.

At the moment Anders seemed lost in thought. From the afternoon’s activities, Fenris thought that maybe Anders had chosen to remain in the Gallows but didn’t really want to ask. He hoped the mage would remain. Even without Justice Anders could still accomplish their goals. The people of Kirkwall were better off now than they had been under Meredith and Orsino. Sebastian had also played a large part in reducing tensions in the city. It had taken quite a while for Anders to gain their trust but had eventually won them over. If the response from this was any indication, he had succeeded beyond anything Fenris could have imagined.

“You know,” Anders said suddenly. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen more people willingly shake my hand knowing what I am.”

“It didn’t happen overnight,” said Fenris. “You’ve worked hard to change their minds, to show them that all mages are not evil.”

“What changed yours?” Anders asked casually.

Fenris noted how his hands suddenly had a white knuckle grip on each other and thought carefully before he replied. “You kept your promise to a confused and scared boy. Treated him with kindness and respect knowing the adult he was hated you with every fiber of his being. Even after I recovered you kept the promise, proving it is the men and not the magic that makes them evil.”

“And why did you follow me to the circle? After what you’ve suffered I can’t imagine your mind changed all that much.”

“Our views on mage freedom have always been opposite,” Fenris said cautiously. “If all mages were like Hawke, the circle would be unnecessary. The circle in Tevinter is a joke and the Gallows under Meredith was a pit of oppression. She pushed mages beyond their limits by letting her Templars do whatever they wished. Magic can be dangerous, but it can be deadly in the hands of the mad or desperate. I chose to live among mages partly to support you. To see more of the young be taught properly…so that there are more like you and Hawke and none like Danarius.”

“What’s the other part?” he asked quietly.

“People fall in love all the time, but only mages are punished for it…your words to Cullen when this was agreed upon. I would not see you suffer for what we had already found. I loved you then…and I still do.” Anders’ eyes widened slightly and Fenris turned his gaze to his lap, at his own hands now clutched tightly together. “I…hope you will choose to remain…but…if you wish to run…I will be at your side.”

Fingers were at his chin, raising and turning his head gently until he was looking into a pair of warm brown eyes. “Hawke said we were happy,” Anders said softly as he slowly closed the space between them. “I don’t remember a time when I was ever truly happy…” Fenris tilted his head slightly, his heart pounding rapidly as their lips met in a tentative kiss. “I wish I could remember…do you think we could find it again?” he whispered desperately.

“Yes,” Fenris whispered without hesitation.

He pressed their lips together again and closed his eyes, loving the familiar feel of them. Desire settled low in his belly but before things could progress any further, they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat not far away. Anders pulled away from him so fast it left him a bit confused and frustrated. There was now a foot of space between them on the bench where there hadn’t been any before.

“Sorry to…break the moment,” Hawke said from not far away. Fenris thought he actually sounded apologetic. “Dinner’s almost done and everyone will be arriving soon.”

“Everyone?” Anders asked as he smoothed his skirts over his knees nervously.

“It’s card night,” said Hawke smiling. “I thought it would be a good way to introduce you to our friends again. Took me a while to find you two but if you’d rather stay here and carry on then I can think of some reason for you to be late.”

“We’ll be there in a bit,” said Anders. “I’d love to meet the others.”

“See you shortly then,” said Hawke before turning and walking quickly away.

“Why did you scoot away?” Fenris asked after Hawke was out of eavesdropping range.

“Habit,” Anders said with a sheepish smile. “Not exactly an activity Templars approve of.”

“There is no need,” said Fenris as he closed the distance again. “All of Kirkwall knows about us.”

“That’s going to take some getting used to,” said Anders with a smirk. His expression turned serious again as he continued. “I’m tired of running. Before, I thought I’d found a home among the Wardens. A place where I could be accepted for who I am in spite of what I am. Then Elissa was sent elsewhere, Rolan and Justice…bits and pieces of memories since then. All these people…knowing I’m a mage…and none of them running for the nearest Templar…it’s just amazing. I’m going to need a lot of help though.”

“If you stay, it will mean working with Cullen,” said Fenris calmly. “Have you read the letter yet?”

Anders shook his head. “I haven’t…but Elissa was right about that. I got over it once and I can do it again.” He smiled and stood suddenly, holding his hand out. “Besides, knowing that you’d knock him into the middle of next week if he tries anything helps.”

Fenris chuckled as he stood and carefully took Anders’ hand. “You have nothing to worry about. Mages are allowed relationships. It was one of your demands before you agreed to be First Enchanter. Cullen added the caveat that relationships between mage and Templar are forbidden.”

“That’s…rather comforting actually,” said Anders after a moment of shocked silence. “Maybe it won’t be as bad as I thought. I’ll read the letter tomorrow.” His grin surfaced again as they began walking towards Hawke’s estate. “For now, I’d rather concentrate on how I’m going to get you out of that shirt.”

“I believe that you will not find that task very difficult,” he said smiling.

“I was hoping you’d say that. Now, what’s card night?”


	12. Chapter 12

This dinner was extremely casual. Most of the others were already there by the time Anders and Fenris arrived. Card night had originally started as a weekly get together in the Hanged Man long before Anders was made First Enchanter. A simple night to relax and have a little fun for the eclectic group of people Hawke had gathered around him. The tradition carried on even after Anders had been stuck in the Gallows. Each week a room was set aside and they played and drank in the Gallows like they always had, with a bit less drunkenness.

Fenris had explained this as they made their way back to Hawke’s estate. He also explained that around a year ago the location had changed again. Anders had finally convinced the Grand Cleric to allow the mages some free time in the city. There were Templar escorts for a while at the Grand Cleric’s insistence but eventually a slightly increased presence in Kirkwall was deemed sufficient when nothing bad happened.

Card night had been changed to include dinner at Hawke’s estate and the actual card playing afterwards. At dinner, Anders was reintroduced to the rest of his friends. They were all people he had remembered at some point. Because Elissa and Nathaniel were also there, conversation drifted between her exciting adventures and trying to embarrass Anders with silly things he didn’t remember doing.

Anders found it entirely unsurprising to find both the Viscount of Kirkwall and the Captain of the Guard in attendance. The only person missing from Kirkwall’s leadership was the Knight-Commander of the Gallows, something he was eternally grateful for. Aside from what he’d remembered of them in the Fade and what he’d been told earlier, Anders didn’t know these people. The one exception was Isabela.

She wasn’t always in Kirkwall but she visited every so often. After a reunion with Elissa, which included a bit of unabashed groping, he finally remembered where he knew her from. He’d spent some time in the Pearl in Denerim, on one of his escapes. A few nights of fun with the saucy pirate, apparently Elissa had a similar experience with her, and he’d moved on to Amaranthine where he’d been caught again. This was old news for everyone else but Anders was happy to have another familiar face around the table.

As the night wore on Anders grew more comfortable with everyone. He traded light hearted jabs with Hawke and Varric, reminisced with Elissa and Nathaniel, laughed with everyone else at Isabela’s antics and even discussed his situation with Sebastian and Aveline. It was familiar in the same way that Darktown had been and seemed as normal as his walk with Fenris earlier.

He noticed the looks most around the table gave him when he was on his third glass of wine but chose to ignore them. Anders was having too much fun to worry about anything else. The carefree atmosphere was a soothing balm to his troubled mind. It wasn’t until his fourth glass was nearly empty that he wondered about the reason for those looks. His head was pleasantly fuzzy, his playing was worse than normal and he was probably leaning on Fenris more than the back of his chair.

“I think I’m drunk,” he said aloud to no one in particular.

There was an amused snort from across the table. “You seem to have become a light weight since our days at the keep,” Nathaniel said.

Anders stuck his tongue out at the rogue and turned to Fenris. “Why am I drunk?” he asked. “I kept up with Ohgren for three hours. Not even Elissa managed that…where did she go?”

“She and Rivaini disappeared a while ago,” Varric said sounding amused as well. “We’ve never seen you drunk Blondie.”

Nathaniel shook his head but had an amused grin as he said, “Careful, he’s all hands when he’s drunk.”

“I noticed,” said Fenris as he placed his hand over Anders’ on his knee.

Anders shrugged and smiled, still leaning on the elf, and frowned almost immediately. “Wait…no one answered. Why am I drunk?”

“Justice wouldn’t let you get drunk,” Hawke said also smiling. “We’ve seen you drink but it wasn’t ever very often. I imagine your tolerance is next to nothing by now.”

“How perfectly boring!” he exclaimed trying to sit up. He stopped trying when the room began spinning and settled back against Fenris, his arm now around Anders’ shoulders.

“Fenris,” Aveline said actually frowning. “Perhaps you should take him to bed.”

“I like that idea,” said Anders wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yes,” said Fenris standing. “I think that would be best. Good night everyone.”

“Good night,” repeated Anders twiddling his fingers at everyone still seated while Fenris helped him to his feet. “It was nice to meet you…again.”

The sound of laughter followed them out of the room and he smiled. Anders knew he wasn’t anywhere near falling down drunk but his coordination was off enough that getting up the stairs was challenging. He leaned on Fenris, aware enough to like the hand at his hip and just unrestrained enough to want more regardless of their odd situation. The spikey armor Fenris wore had thankfully been taken off before dinner and the elf didn’t seem to mind his roaming hands as they weaved their way up the stairs and then to Anders’ room.

With the door shut behind them, Fenris led him to the bed. His feet finally tangled together and they fell onto the bed. Anders couldn’t stop the giggles that escaped him as Fenris sorted them out, grumbling fondly as he did so. His legs hung over the edge of the bed at the knee as he was rolled onto his back, his hands ending up just over his head palm up on the bed.

His eyes grew unfocused and he was quiet as Anders was struck with another image. He was lying on something, a cot in the clinic. Fenris straddled him, knees touching hips, leaning over him, their hands joined out of sight beside his head. There was a soft white glow that surrounded them. “Anders?” Fenris’ concerned voice, close to his ear.

Almost like Fenris had summoned it, he remembered.

“In the clinic…lying on a cot,” Anders said softly. “Us…your sitting on my legs…our hands are locked together…and…oh…I feel…warmth…magic pulsing between us like a heartbeat. It feels…wonderful. Does this happen when you touch any mage?”

The answer came from two places, his memory and the deep familiar voice by his ear. “No, just you.”

Anders smiles as the memory fades and he turns his head to Fenris. “I remember…Justice he…was calm and happy…peaceful. He caused it didn’t he? That’s why it doesn’t happen now.”

“We believe so yes,” Fenris said brushing a lock of hair off of his forehead. “You told me many times that I calmed him.”

“Fenris, why now?”

He shrugged with one shoulder and traced a finger down his cheek. “Don’t question it. After I was changed back into an adult it took almost a month to remember anything and I still don’t remember everything.”

“Do you think I’ll ever remember everything?”

“Probably not. My memory from before the ritual is still mostly gone.” Fenris smiled as he sat up. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”

“Stay with me,” said Anders as Fenris pulled him to a sitting position. “Maybe I won’t be so confused tomorrow morning.”

“Of course.”

After extracting a promise from him to behave, Fenris finally relented on insisting Anders actually wear a night shirt. They were asleep soon after. When he woke Anders had the headache he expected but counted himself lucky as his stomach wasn’t rolling. He could tell the sun was well up over the horizon by the bright light coming in the window.

His head was resting on Fenris’ chest, the elf’s arms around his shoulders, his hands resting near his chin. There was only a moment of confusion as he opened his eyes but it was quickly dispelled. He also had no desire to move so he studied what he could see of the markings. The loops and swirls he could see along Fenris’ chest and arms were fascinating.

The pattern on his neck continued down his chest, each line branching off of the main one following the sleek line of his muscles. Wanting a better look, Anders raised himself up onto his elbow and found Fenris awake and smirking slightly. Ignoring the smirk for the moment, he was entranced by the markings. He didn’t get a good look the previous night.

“Have I ever told you these are…beautiful?” he asked quietly tracing along one of the lines.

“Once or twice,” Fenris answered.

“So when do I get to see the rest?” Anders said with a smirk as he traced down the line of lyrium, pushing the blankets further down towards the sleep pants the elf wore.

Fenris took his hand and held it still. The amused smirk he’d had turned to a serious line. “As much as I’d like to indulge you, there is something that we must discuss first.”

“No time like the present.”

“It can be discussed later,” said Fenris firmly. “We still have much to tell you and there is still Cullen’s letter.”

“Business first fun later,” Anders sighed. He healed his headache before rolling over and finding the letter in his discarded robes. “Let’s start with this.”


	13. Chapter 13

Fenris scooted closer as Anders unfolded the paper and smoothed it out. “May I read it as well?” he asked before looking over his shoulder.

Anders shifted slightly and said absently, “Sure.”

_First Enchanter Anders,_

_First I would like to apologize. It was not my intent to frighten you. I was not aware that your recent separation from the Fade Spirit you hosted had left you with a significant memory lapse. I am relieved that you have been found unharmed._

_I trust that Garrett Hawke and Fenris will tell you the things that you need to know. Only a trusted few know of your condition and I would keep it that way if possible. I will intercede on your behalf with the Grand Cleric._

_I would like to give you time but there is only so much Sarah and Varania can accomplish without you. It is my sincere hope that you will return to the Gallows soon. We have done many good things and I look forward to many more years._

_Knight-Commander Cullen_

_P.S. If you wish to speak of our shared past, I am willing to do so. Either way, my choice was made long ago._

“Significant memory lapse,” Anders snorted angrily. “Like losing a decade’s worth of memories is trivial.”

The paper was thrust at him and Fenris caught it as Anders flipped the blankets off of his legs and stood. He read through the words a second time, mostly to keep from staring at the mage’s bare arse as he pulled on a clean set of robes. Anders paced rapidly across the room and Fenris watched him, sure that he wasn’t done ranting.

“He expects me to go back!”

“Anders.”

“Maybe I don’t want to. And why would I ever want to talk about that horrible year!”

“Anders.”

“Why would he keep secrets for me? Is he ashamed or something?”

_“Anders!_ ”

“ _What!_ ” he exclaimed finally turning to face Fenris. His hands were clenched into fists at his side, his normally warm eyes flashing with anger, lips set in a very thin line. Fenris had rarely seen him this angry.

“Calm yourself,” Fenris said evenly. “I will attempt to answer your questions.”

Anders closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hands flattened out as he sat on the edge of the bed and rested them on his thighs. “I’m sorry,” he said after a moment. “I just…it may have been many years for him but for me…it’s only been around two. How did I handle this when I first got to Kirkwall?”

“I imagine being possessed by a spirit that drove you to exhaustion more than once had a bit to do with it,” Fenris said scooting over until they sat next to each other. “Justice has been kept as secret as possible. It has been years since he surfaced and many in Kirkwall think it’s a rumor. In many ways, it’s better for Justice to be a rumor.”

“Why would he need to talk with the Grand Cleric?” Anders asked.

“She is one of the few who know that Justice is not a tall tale. She will need to be told, which I imagine Cullen has already done. Since there are no Templars beating down the door to haul you back, you have probably been given an amount of time to collect your wits and return on your own.”

“Do you know how badly it angers me that they all just assume I’ll be a good boy go back. It’s even more frustrating that I don’t really have a choice. If I run now there’s nowhere on Thedas I can hide from both the Chantry and the Wardens.”

“There is always a choice,” Fenris said. “Perhaps you should hear the rest of it before you come to a decision.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Anders sighed. Silence fell and Anders stood up again. “Any chance there’s some breakfast left?”

“A good one,” said Fenris handing him back Cullen’s letter. “I doubt Hawke is even awake yet.”

“After that little tantrum?” said Anders doubtfully. The letter was refolded and it disappeared into the pocket in his skirts once more.

“May I ask you a strange question?” said Fenris when he hadn’t made a move towards the door.

“Only if I can ask you one,” Anders replied with a half-smile.

“Why haven’t you worn smallclothes for the last two days?”

Anders chuckled as he said, “They get in the way, makes quickies in dark corners a bit tougher. I guess I just got used to going without. Besides that, I always used to wear Tevinter styled robes. Silks and satin…it just feels nice sliding across your bottom as you walk. Justice always was a prude though.”

Fenris looked up at him with an eyebrow arched and he just smirked back. He pictured Anders in any number of Tevinter styled robes. Despite how much he hated nearly everything about the place, he had to admit that the mage would look exceptionally good in any of them. His physique hadn’t changed much after he’d become First Enchanter. Even though his job was now a semi-stationary one, Anders still trained with his staff and practiced his magic regularly. Yes, thought Fenris, he would fill any of them out nicely. Fenris was fairly certain Anders smirk grew a bit before he turned away.

“My turn,” Anders said smugly. “What happened to my hair?”

Fenris smiled and shrugged. “It’s always been that length.”

“Well I’m growing it back out. It’s entirely too short,” he said decisively. His tone became slightly teasing as he continued. “I’ll be down in the kitchen. Don’t take too long.”

When Fenris had dressed after thinking a few unsexy thoughts, he went down to the kitchen. Only Hawke was missing from the people currently staying at the estate but he joined them shortly after. While they were eating Carver arrived, still wearing his Templar armor. Anders stiffened visibly but he was quiet. Hawke explained sleepily that Carver was his brother and he could help explain some of the things that Hawke and Fenris knew little about.

After the two Wardens had had their fill, they all retired to the study again. Lunch was brought to them as they spent the next four or five hours recounting what had happened after Hawke had killed the Arishok. Anders sat quietly and listened intently. The room fell quiet when Hawke finished telling him of the incident in the clinic that had put him to sleep, the event that started the whole mess.

“I’m impressed,” Anders said eventually. “I’ve actually accomplished quite a lot.”

“I can get a message to Varania if you’d like,” Carver said. “Have her gather together the paperwork so you can look it over.”

“That would be great,” said Anders. “Could you bring them here? I don’t think I’m ready to face the Knight-Commander yet.”

“Anders, can I have a word with you,” Elissa said disapprovingly as she stood.

Anders watched as she left the room, the corner of his lips pulled down in a tiny frown. When the door shut behind her he glanced at Fenris briefly then stood. “Uh-oh,” he said lightly. “Never a good thing when she uses that tone.”

“Good luck,” Nathaniel said as he walked by.

“Thanks,” said Anders with a smirk.

The door shut behind him and Fenris exchanged a look with Hawke. They shared a frown and Hawke jerked his head towards the door. Fenris stood and followed them quickly but was stopped by Nathaniel’s hand on his shoulder.

“He’ll be fine,” the archer said softly.

“She doesn’t know everything Howe,” Hawke said calmly. “Anders has a damn good reason for not wanting to be around Cullen.”

Fenris pulled out of his grasp and out into the main foyer. He looked quickly around and saw no sign of them. As silently as he was able, he climbed the stairs and went down the row of guest rooms. Stopping when he heard voices coming from Anders’ room, he stood outside the door and listened.

*

Anders sat on the bed, determined not to let her see how nervous he was. There were two possible things that she would want to speak about, how stupid she thought his joining with Justice was or the year he’d spent in solitary. He didn’t remember the first and wasn’t about to tell her the second, neither of which would make her very happy. He watched her pace as she began speaking, her tone of voice carefully neutral.

“I’m going to start by telling you how stupid both of you were. I was back a month after you disappeared.”

“What was I supposed to do Commander?” Anders asked, his anger held carefully in check over what he did remember. “The bastard made me get rid of Pounce and then let that stupid Templar in. It was like being back at the circle. He was always one step behind me, mocking, threatening. Not even Ohgren or Nathaniel could get him to stop.”

“You were supposed to tough it out until I got back,” she said stopping in front of him. Anders glared up as she loomed over him, disapproval written clearly on her features. “I broke the bastard’s nose for chasing away my best healer before Ohgren pulled me off. Despite your extreme stupidity, it seems that you came out on top. The things you’ve accomplished here in this circle are nothing short of amazing. I intend to go straight to Denerim to convince Alistair to push the Templars at Kinloch Hold to implement some of these things.”

“I thought Wardens weren’t supposed to get involved in politics?”

“We’re not. If the mages don’t have to fight for their safety in the Tower, it might bolster our ranks. Besides, Alistair is the King of Ferelden and happens to be a good friend.” Elissa sat on the bed next to him and leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees. “Is there a reason you never told me what happened with Cullen?”

“Then, I didn’t think it would matter,” Anders said carefully. “Now, the Gallows needs a decent Knight-Commander because it sounds like the previous one was worse than anything I could imagine.”

“You sit there and defend him but can’t stand being around him?” she said incredulously. “Do you realize how that sounds? What happened?”

“Yes I know…and I’m sorry but…I’m not telling you,” Anders said softly. “Commander, a week ago it was water under the bridge. It’s not my fault someone decided it would be funny to hold me by my ankles and dangle me over the side of that bridge. What we have accomplished in the Gallows sounds like a combined effort. Cullen giving us more freedom and trying to keep us and everyone else safe at the same time. I’m going to stay here because I want to continue. Fenris and Hawke know what happened and I know they’ll help me. I’ll be all right Elissa.”

“You’ve grown,” Elissa said smiling warmly. “The mage I knew would have high tailed it to somewhere else. I’m proud of you Anders.”

She gave him a brief one armed hug and stood. Anders flopped back onto the bed, unsure if he was more relieved or happy.


	14. Chapter 14

Elissa left the room but she paused in the doorway. Anders rose up to rest on his elbows and watched her curiously. There was a quiet conversation that he couldn’t quite hear and when she moved around whoever had been listening on the other side of the door he watched in amusement as Fenris stepped in after her. Anders smirked as Fenris shut the door and he scooted backwards until he was lying fully on the bed.

Anders laced his fingers together and put them under his head as he said, “Worried?”

“A little,” Fenris said moving forward until he was at the edge of the bed. “When will we be going back to the Gallows?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I was thinking of asking Hawke to invite him here before we go back…can’t have the First Enchanter acting like a frightened apprentice every time the Knight-Commander steps into the room.”

“You wish to speak with him?” said Fenris his expression and voice carefully neutral.

“Slave face,” Anders said frowning. “Stop that…I hate it when you do that.”

“You remember that?” he asked as one corner of his mouth pulled up.

“Just now when your face went blank, and yes I do want to talk to him.”

“I’m sure Hawke will be agreeable. May I ask why? This morning it sounded as if you didn’t want to.”

“This morning I didn’t,” said Anders rising up on his elbows again. “After hearing what he put himself through protecting my ungrateful self I want to know why he sent me away.”

“Do you wish to speak with him alone or can Hawke and I be present?”

“I would appreciate it if you and Hawke were there. Maybe you can keep me from making a complete ass of myself.”

“Shall we go ask?” said Fenris already turning towards the door.

“What’s your hurry?” asked Anders shifting all his weight to one side. When Fenris turned back towards him he undid the top button of his robes. “I’d really like to see the rest of those markings.”

“Anders, there is something we must discuss…”

Two more buttons were undone and Anders moved to a sitting position. “So let’s discuss,” he said undoing more buttons. “I’ve had enough business for today.”

“This is a side of you I have rarely seen,” Fenris said stepping closer to the bed.

Anders rose up on his knees, the upper part of his robes hanging open to his naval. He pulled up on his skirts so they pooled around him and smirked. “I told you this morning Justice was a prude. I know what I want…and right now I want you.”

Fenris returned his smirk and pulled off his gauntlets. Anders held up his skirts and moved forward, almost to the end of the bed. He waited eagerly while they were dropped to the floor but the elf still hesitated.

“There are a few…quirks…I have,” said Fenris sounding hesitant. His hand hovered close to Anders’ cheek.

He nuzzled into it and pulled the leather holding his absurdly short ponytail. “I’m sure you know by now that I have very few when it comes to…bedroom activities.” Anders turned slightly and kissed the heel of his hand while he pushed the robes off of one shoulder.

“True,” said Fenris smiling. “This didn’t bother you before but I only wish to make sure.”

Anders pushed the robes off of his other shoulder and let them fall. They caught on his stiff member and he smiled seductively when Fenris’ eyes came back to his face. The hand at his cheek had moved down to his shoulder and he let his own hands work the unfamiliar catches of the shoulder and chest piece of Fenris’ armor. It was a matter of moments before they were on the floor with his gauntlets.

“So what is it?” Anders asked running his hands down the elf’s chest, undoing buttons and catches that he couldn’t see but his fingers knew where they were.

Fenris took his hands before Anders could push the shirt off. “How did you put it…I am the boss in the bedroom.”

“I can deal with that,” said Anders smiling.

Hands slid up his arms and across his back while Fenris leaned forward. Anders pushed his hands under the shirt at his side and traced the markings he could feel heading down to his waistband. He lost all train of thought when he was soundly kissed, mouth open, tongues sliding against each other, teeth clicking together every so often and he was lost in the familiar feel of it.

With their lips locked together, Anders inched closer to the edge of the bed and pressed their hips together. A soft moan was all the encouragement he needed and with a firm grip on Fenris’ arse, he began rutting against the stiff length he could feel. Fenris pulled away slightly and took a gentle grip on his hair. Anders let the elf move his head to the side while his other hand slid lower down his back. He moaned when he felt moist lips at the soft join of his neck and shoulder.

Teeth and tongue creating incredible pleasure at his neck, a lyrium lined palm kneading his flexing arse as he continued to rut against him, and Anders was struck again by how familiar, how right it seemed. He whimpered in disappointment when Fenris pulled away.

“On your back,” Fenris ordered as he stepped away completely.

Anders obeyed eagerly, pushing his robes off of his length and kicking them to the floor. He tweaked his own nipples as Fenris’ gaze raked over him while his shirt and leggings joined his robes on the floor. It didn’t take very long at all and Fenris was straddling him, knees pressed tightly to hips. His hands slid under Anders’, pinching lightly then pulling while he leaned over and their lips met again.

Fenris rolled his hips, rubbing their cocks together. Anders groaned softly at the delightful friction while he ran his fingers through soft white hair. He closed his eyes and lost himself in the pleasure he was being given. Hands slid down his chest while his mouth was plundered. His lower lip sucked and pulled out when Fenris moved away, their panting breaths and his hand holding their stiff members together.

Perfect pressure as the elf stroked them and Anders wanted to thrust his hips but Fenris’ knees held him solid. He opened his eyes slightly, his hands coming to rest on the elf’s thighs. Anders gripped them and the expression he saw didn’t frighten him. It was full of desire and something else, something Anders loved seeing and wanted to see it more often.

Their soft moans increased as Fenris stroked faster, his other hand planted on Anders’ chest. His thumb moved back and forth over the hard peak of his nipple. Anders kneaded his thighs and arched his back, his breathing now heavy as pleasure built and coiled. Gasping as the tension exploded, his seed spurting over his chest and stomach, Fenris slowed his strokes milking every drop out of him.

Anders watched, completely relaxed as the elf smiled. He straightened and released his slowly softening cock. Running his hands along Fenris’ thighs, he encouraged with a satisfied smile of his own. Fenris fisted his own cock quickly, moaning softly when he too fell over the edge.

Neither of them spoke as Fenris repositioned himself. He lay next to Anders, their legs tangled together, an arm draped across his chest, groin pressed to hip, head resting on his shoulder. Anders put his arm around Fenris’ shoulders, content to lay there half covered by him with their spend slowly drying on his stomach and he thought it was amazing. There was no hurry. No want to be elsewhere with his carnal urges satisfied for the moment. He was perfectly happy to lay here and snuggle sleepily.

“This is…nice…” Fenris mumbled sleepily.

“Cuddling?” Anders asked quietly.

“Skin to skin,” he answered. “There is usually something between us.”

“The magic…” said Anders. “That’s why I had on a nightshirt.”

Fenris mumbled his assent and silence fell once more. Anders lay awake, listening to his breathing slow and deepen, still marveling at the contented peace that filled him. Eventually, his eyes slid shut as well.


	15. Chapter 15

An insistent knocking on the door finally woke them sometime later. Fenris tried to block it out and scooted closer to Anders. He was thoroughly enjoying their nap and didn’t really want to move. Anders made a slightly disgusted noise but made no move to separate them. The knock sounded again and Fenris growled in annoyance.

“Anders, Fenris,” Hawke said through the cracked open door.

“You might not want to open that door any further,” said Anders through a yawn.

“Not like I haven’t seen the both of you bare arsed before,” Hawke said chuckling. “I just wanted to let you know that supper will be ready soon and Carver’s back with the papers you wanted.”

“How soon?” Fenris asked.

“Half hour, forty-five minutes,” Hawke said. “I’ll see you in the kitchen.”

The door clicked quietly shut and neither of them moved. Fenris felt fingers combing through his hair and he smiled happily. “I suppose we should get up,” he mumbled after a while.

“Probably,” Anders replied softly. “I need to clean up.”

Fenris reluctantly rolled over onto his back allowing Anders to sit up. “Fenris,” he said casually as he stood and stretched. “Who bottoms most often?”

“I have no preference,” said Fenris as he sat up. “I’d say it’s about equal. Why?”

Anders had poured water from the pitcher into the small basin in the bathing chamber. Fenris could see him through the doorway and he turned, smiling as he heated the water. “Just curious,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t mind the thought of being an exclusive bottom but I like fucking as much as I like being fucked. Given what I know of your history I just wanted to know what to expect.”

As he spoke, Fenris had joined him in the bathing chamber. He dipped his fingers into the warm water and Anders used a rag to scrub the dried semen off of his stomach and chest. Fenris washed his hands and said, “I often ask which you would prefer. What bothers me the most is not being able to see you…either way around.”

He nodded and seemed lost in thought for a moment. Fenris shook the excess water off of his hands and Anders turned a serious look on him. “Is there anything else I should know? I’d hate to inadvertently trigger a memory or something worse.”

“Like you, I don’t like being blindfolded or tied,” said Fenris reaching for a towel as Anders emptied the basin into the floor drain. “As long as I can see your face, I’m okay with most anything.” When Anders reached for the towel he offered, Fenris pulled him close. “Besides, the faces you make, it would be a shame to miss them.”

“Careful,” said Anders softly leaning down slightly. Their lips brushed together as hands settled on hips. “You might pique my interest again and we’d be late for supper.”

“It has been over a week since we could even touch,” Fenris said moving his hands around to the mages arse cheeks. “I don’t think I’ll need the benefit of alcohol to be all hands for a while.”

Anders laughed quietly and smiled. Another chaste kiss and they turned back to the bedroom. “I probably won’t mind that too much. We’d better behave for the moment though. Still have to ask Hawke to invite Cullen for lunch or something.”

“Are you sure you wish to speak with him?” Fenris asked. He knew that they had had this conversation in the past. It had been inevitable with them having to work together so closely. With the safety of years the conversation had remained civil but he wasn’t sure it would remain that way this time.

“Yes,” answered Anders with no hesitation. “If we have to work together there are a few things I want to know.”

“I’m certain Hawke won’t have any problems with it,” Fenris said as he pulled on his discarded clothing. In a way he was proud of the mage for wanting to face his fear. He just hoped nothing bad would come of it.

After dinner Anders spent his time reading through the papers Carver had brought. Tomorrow morning a note would be sent to Cullen and hopefully he would show up for lunch. Elissa and Nathaniel were leaving in the morning. Since she was certain that Anders was staying in Kirkwall she spent the night penning a letter to Weisshaupt. Fenris wasn’t certain what the letter contained but she had assured them that as long as Anders was First Enchanter of the Gallows, the Wardens wouldn’t bother them.

Fenris spent part of that night talking quietly with Hawke in the study while Anders shuffled through the papers. They discussed possible problems that might crop up with Cullen and Anders tomorrow. It was agreed they wouldn’t interfere unless things took a drastic turn for the worse. Fenris hoped it wouldn’t go that direction tomorrow.

Hawke retired with Merrill first and Anders was still absorbed in the papers. Fenris left the study for a short while to make sure there was a bottle of oil in their room. With nothing else to do he sat in the study and cared for his sword until the mage was finally ready to retire. He was polishing it when Anders finally gathered them back together.

“This is amazing,” he said stretching. “Living together in the circle as lovers and raising children, violence lower than I thought was possible, this different Harrowing and the sheer number of apprentices who pass…”

“You have worked hard for these changes,” said Fenris smiling.

“I don’t really like how many of them ask for Tranquility though,” Anders said frowning slightly as he stood.

“You didn’t like that before either,” Fenris said gathering his things. “Not all mages are capable of resisting.”

“I know but,” said Anders shaking his head. “I can’t imagine why anyone would want to live like that.” He shuddered and shook his head again. “Let’s go to bed.”

They spent that night curled up against each other and even though nothing besides sleepy cuddling had happened, Fenris was happy. After breakfast the next morning they saw Elissa and Nathaniel on their way. Anders shook the rogue’s hand and renewed his promise to try and help Justice. Nathaniel seemed satisfied and Fenris couldn’t help but wonder what his relationship with the spirit had been.

Elissa shook his hand, hard eyes and a tight smile reminding Fenris of their brief conversation yesterday. She hadn’t been too happy with finding him listening at the door but seemed pleased with his efforts to ensure his mage’s safety. He had promised her yesterday that if things in Kirkwall went sour for some reason, he’d bring Anders back to Vigil’s Keep in Amaranthine. Anders received a hug from her and he promised to keep in touch.

The rest of the morning had been spent wandering through Lowtown. They had stopped at the Hanged Man and passed time with Varric and Isabela. Corff’s whisky had been pronounced the worst thing that had ever passed through his lips and Anders hadn’t finished the one glass. The residents of Lowtown weren’t quite as open in their admiration but many who had family in the Gallows had taken the opportunity to thank him.

Anders and Fenris had arrived back at Hawke’s estate in time for lunch. Cullen would be arriving soon after the noon meal and they had retired to the study to wait. Merrill had been sent to the Hanged Man. She didn’t fuss about not being included but seemed excited to have a chance to chat with Isabela. Orana was the only other person in the house and had been instructed to show the Knight-Commander to the study. When that duty was done Hawke said she was free to do as she pleased until supper as long as they weren’t bothered.

Hawke stood by the mantle of the fireplace and Fenris sat on the stairs. They both watched Anders pace nervously. When the knock on the door came, he stopped his circuit of the room and faced it. Smoothing his skirts as Orana opened the door and announced Knight-Commander Cullen. The Templar followed her into the room his eyes darting quickly from Hawke at the mantle to Fenris on the stairs before coming to rest on Anders. The door shut as Orana left and the mage visibly stiffened.

“Champion, Fenris,” Cullen said mildly in greeting. “First Enchanter, I understand you wished to speak with me?”

“Why?” said Anders, his voice strong with tightly controlled anger.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit more specific,” Cullen said taking a cautious step forward with his hands behind his back.

“Why did you send me away?”

“It was the only thing I could do,” Cullen said evenly. “The only way to correct the terrible mistake I had made.”

“Mistake?” Anders hissed angrily. “I’m a mistake?”

“Not you…everything that happened that year. You were given an unfair punishment and I should have done more to see you released.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“I was little more than a fresh recruit and I didn’t think anyone would listen to me. I thought that if you had a friend, it would help you cope. I didn’t realize what was really happening until it was too late. That moment of selfish weakness damned me.”

Fenris quietly joined Hawke at the mantle as Anders took a step back. He looked confused as he said, “You cared…I know you cared. If I had told you to stop I know you would have. How was it a mistake? How was it weakness? I don’t understand.”

Cullen sighed heavily and sat in the closest chair, leaning forward with his arms resting on his knees and hands clasped loosely together. “I did care,” he said quietly. “I still do. What I wanted then you have found with another…and I am content with that. Such a relationship is inappropriate between Templar and mage. As long as Templars hold the power we do over mages it is far too easy to exploit it. You end up with people like Karras who think they’re entitled. Mages who can get away with anything because they have a Templar wrapped around their finger...Templars with good intentions that don’t mean to cause harm but do.”

“The choice you made,” said Anders slowly. “Was to let me go…to find myself again. Why did you protect me here in Kirkwall?”

“You didn’t turn to demons that entire year you spent in solitary,” said Cullen as he leaned back in the chair. “I didn’t know you hosted a spirit until much later. You helped the poor when no one else did. There was no reason to lock you away in the Gallows.”

“Even after you knew I was sneaking mages out of the Gallows you still protected me. Why?”

“A chance to actually help, you would not have fared well in the Gallows under Meredith.”

“And the last four years?”

“A combined effort to protect everyone without becoming tyrants.”

Anders paced deep in thought while Cullen sat in the chair watching him passively. He stopped and turned to Fenris. “Has there been any…trouble between me and him these last four years?”

“A few disagreements, one major argument,” said Fenris. “Varania and I have noticed that you are both very professional with each other.”

He turned back to Cullen and asked, “What do you plan on doing about my memory problems?”

“Details can be discussed later,” Cullen said as he stood. “Your assistants Sarah and Varania can help with most of the necessary paperwork. Can I expect you back sometime soon?”

“Tomorrow.”

“I apologize for my abruptness but I must be going. We can speak more tomorrow. Champion.” Cullen nodded in Hawke’s direction before leaving the room.


	16. Chapter 16

Anders stood at the railing of the ferry watching the Gallows draw near. Fenris was a silent but comforting presence at his side and he couldn’t help the foreboding that rose up within him. He was glad the inside looked more inviting than the outside did. Templars stood guard at every open portcullis and it looked as if the windows were barred. It looked every bit the prison it had been used for in the past.

He hadn’t known quite what to expect from his chat with Cullen yesterday but a confession of love definitely hadn’t been it. As he thought back to that year after the Templar had fled, he understood a little more. His obsession with Cullen had begun innocently enough, the friend none of the others were willing to be. The more time that had passed with only one other to speak to, only one who showed kindness of any sort in all the time Anders had spent alone and in the dark.

It was no wonder he didn’t quite know how to feel about him. To a certain extent, Anders still didn’t know. The fact that Cullen had helped him escape, had let him go alone, always brought up some seriously mixed feelings. At the time and for months afterwards the only thing he had felt was grief. After that was anger at being thrust back into a world he didn’t know how to cope with anymore. His life could have taken a decided turn for the worse if that kind family hadn’t taken him in. There had been a small amount of gratitude but only now that he sort of understood the Templar’s motivations could he be truly grateful.

Working with Cullen was going to be an interesting challenge for a while. Knowing that he hadn’t made any move to get back what he’d sent away all those years ago definitely helped. He didn’t know how well he could do the job in the first place but it seemed like he hadn’t been terrible at it for the last four years.

Anders watched the Gallows draw closer and the breakfast he’d eaten at Hawke’s estate sat heavily in his stomach. It was a little hard to believe that he was willingly going back to the circle. So much of his time in Kinloch Hold had been spent plotting how to leave and he couldn’t help but wonder what he’d been thinking the first time that he made this trip. Despite the fears and doubts he had now, change had already happened. The changes he had pushed through were some of his biggest points of irritation with the circle.

With some luck, there was hope that the other circles would change as well and he was determined to keep working for that change. This chance to keep improving the lives of mages here in Kirkwall and the hope that it would spread throughout Thedas was something he couldn’t pass over. Anders knew he had Justice to thank for this new sense of duty but not from their joining. It began with a simple question that had forced him to reevaluate his life. He was almost positive that his agreeing with the joining in the first place had a lot to do with wanting to help his fellow mages find the freedom he had with the Wardens.

“Are you all right?” Fenris asked quietly.

“A little nervous,” Anders replied honestly. “Not used to such heavy thoughts so early in the morning.”

“Cullen will probably be waiting for us,” said Fenris. “Would you like me to stay with you?”

“No,” he said smiling. “I’ll be fine.”

Fenris smiled back and they spent the rest of the short journey in silence. The ferry docked and they made their way to the central portcullis. The two Templars standing at either side of the opening nodded respectfully as he walked through. The slave statues that Fenris and Hawke had described were all missing. It seems that cleaning the courtyard after the battle with Meredith had included getting rid of the ones that hadn’t began moving.

Merchants were shouting to his right and people wandered throughout the courtyard despite the early hour. Tranquil mages could be seen here and there going about their duties as well as a few mages who weren’t Tranquil. Templars could be seen standing in small groups, talking among themselves as they kept watchful eyes on everyone in the courtyard. In the center of it all, Cullen stood watching the central portcullis with his arms behind his back.

“First Enchanter,” Cullen said as they approached. “Fenris, you have been missed in the practice yard the last few days.”

Fenris said nothing and Anders glanced over at him. He didn’t look happy at having been dismissed. The look on his face changed from irritation to something else, a look that wasn’t quite threatening but there was definitely a promise behind it. Cullen met his gaze steadily and nodded slightly. Anders didn’t bother to hide his smirk as he wondered how many times this little ritual had been performed.

“Perhaps I shall go there then,” Fenris said calmly as he turned back to Anders. “I will see you at lunch.”

Anders leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. “You might need to show me where it is, but I’ll be looking forward to it.” Fenris smiled before walking away and he turned back to Cullen. “Perhaps you would be kind enough to show me back to my room, Knight-Commander. I can put these away and then we can get down to business.”

“That is acceptable. There are a few things we must discuss. If you would follow me please.”

Cullen turned and he followed the Knight-Commander, shifting the robes that had been sent to Hawke’s estate to his other hand. There were two more stalls, one selling potions and the other a Tranquil selling things that other Tranquil had made. Up a flight of stairs and through hallways until they came to one that almost looked familiar. Cullen stopped at one of the doors along the corridor.

“This is the room you and Fenris share. I will wait out here,” he said standing off to the side of the door.

He nodded slightly and opened the door. Anders looked around and threw the dirty robes at a basket by the foot of the bed. The room was minimally decorated but everything looked familiar from his brief glimpse when he’d woken. The chair that was sitting by the bed was pushed neatly under the table and the bed was also neatly made. His pillow, the one his mother had made, was sitting on top of the blankets at the head of the bed. It was the one thing he’d managed to hold onto all these years and seeing it now settled some of his nerves.

Anders stepped back into the hallway, shutting the door behind him and gestured for Cullen to lead the way. They walked through the corridors, Templars saluting as they passed. Mages moved to the edge of the hallway as they passed often nodding as they did. There were many smiles and seeing a few couples holding hands as they walked made him smile. Watching one couple cooing over an infant was the highlight of his day so far. It was these small things he looked for now that he’d missed on his frantic flight through these same hallways.

When they arrived in Cullen’s office, Anders entered before him and sat in a chair at the desk. Cullen closed the door and sat opposite him. “After the worst of the Templars were removed,” he began as he leaned back in his chair. “We thought it a wise precaution to inform the rest that you were possessed by a spirit. They have all been notified that the spirit is gone and of your…memory problems. Only a few mages know the truth. When you were carried in, everyone was told that you had become suddenly ill.”

“Are you thinking of blaming my memory loss on this mysterious illness?” Anders asked.

“That would be easiest,” Cullen said. “Have you remembered anything?”

“Not much,” said Anders shaking his head. “How badly is the memory loss going to affect what I’m supposed to be doing?”

“It’s hard to say,” said Cullen shrugging. “I imagine you’ll have to rely on Sarah and Varania a little more until everything settles again.”

“When do I get to meet these two?” asked Anders.

“Varania you have already met,” said Cullen with a hint of a smile. “I believe she will have gone to see her brother. Sarah is across the hall waiting in your office.”

Anders frowned in thought. The only other person he remembered from the Gallows was the elf that had been with Cullen when he woke. Before he could ask if she could be Varania there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Cullen said with a tiny frown. Anders turned in his chair to see Sebastian open the door. “Viscount Vael.”

“I’m sorry to drop by unannounced but I’ve brought you another charge,” Sebastian said as he led a little girl into the room. She looked around six or seven, her clothes dirty from travel, curly auburn hair and large frightened brown eyes. “This young lady was left with the Sisters this morning while I was speaking with Grand Cleric Elthina.”

“Mama didn’t want me anymore,” she said sadly. “Not after what happened to my dolly.”

Anders wanted to scream but instead he smiled. “What’s your name sweetie?” he asked in the kindest voice he could muster.

“Ellen,” she said quietly.

“Can you tell me what happened to your dolly?” Anders asked gently. She shook her head and he could see tears gathering in her eyelashes. “Maybe I can guess. Did your doll get burned up?”

Her eyes widened in surprise and she nodded as she said, “How did you know?”

“I burned up my father’s barn when my magic manifested,” said Anders as he stood. He knelt in front of her and smiled. “I’m a mage Ellen, just like you. My father didn’t want me either and I was taken to the circle too.”

“What’s going to happen now?” she asked in a frightened whisper.

“We’ll teach you how to control your gift,” he said. “Right now I think we need to thank the Viscount for getting you here safely.” He stood and held his hand out to her.

Ellen looked up at Sebastian who smiled kindly and nodded. She turned back to him and tentatively took his hand. “Thank you,” she said shyly.

“This is Knight-Commander Cullen,” said Anders gesturing at the Templar who now stood on the other side of the desk. “And I’m Anders. We’re going go across the hall and meet another mage now. Her name is Sarah and she’s going to help me get you settled here in the Gallows then we’ll go see the other children here.”

“There are others?” Ellen said sounding surprised.

“Welcome to the Gallows Ellen,” Cullen said in a surprisingly warm voice. “You’ll be safe here.”

Anders nodded at him and was glad that that statement was actually true. This poor girl may have been orphaned because of her gift but she wouldn’t have half the trouble he did when he was taken to the circle. After Cullen inclined his head slightly Anders turned back towards the door and Sebastian moved out of his way. “Thank you Viscount,” he said politely.

“It’s good to see you here Anders,” Sebastian said the corners of his mouth turning up in a small smile.

“There’s still a lot of work to do,” he said quietly before stepping out into the hall. Anders smiled down at Ellen and said, “Let’s go meet Sarah now okay?”


	17. Chapter 17

Anders leaned in the doorway of the classroom almost two hours later watching Ellen among the other children. She was now clean and dressed like the others. Because of space issues, she shared a room with three others roughly her own age but it was much better than the thirty he’d had to put up with. Seeing a tentative smile on her young face was heartening though.

He turned back to Sarah, a serious woman with black hair and golden eyes set in a lean face with a body to match, and saw her smiling as well. Gesturing down the hallway Anders led them to where he hoped his office was.

“What happens if the children aren’t orphaned?” he asked.

“Their parents are encouraged to write and visit regularly,” she explained. “The children must stay here of course but keeping contact with their family often helps keep them calm. There has been less misbehaving since this was instituted three years ago.”

“So they actually keep in contact?”

“Most write, the ones who live in Kirkwall visit their children regularly but there seem to be more that are either brought here and abandoned or taken to the Chantry and abandoned. We have one Orlesian boy still learning common.”

“Someone brought their child to Kirkwall from Orlias?” Anders asked incredulously. “Why didn’t they stay here if they cared for the boy enough to risk the trip?”

Sarah frowned and shook her head. Anders thought the frown looked more at home on her than the smile did. He didn’t know how a parent could give up their child and it didn’t look like Sarah did either. That some were at least willing to bring them here told him that progress was being made but there was still a long ways to go.

Anders shook his head and concentrated on getting back to his office. He managed it with only one wrong turn and they spent the rest of the morning going over things he was responsible for, which was a lot. Having done this for four years already, he knew that he’d get the hang of it again.

Sarah helped him with the people in the Gallows. There were many more mages than he remembered ever being at Kinloch Hold. More mages meant more Templars but they were Cullen’s responsibility. Their latest project had been approved before his current memory crisis. Anders would have to trust her judgment on who would be best for what job.

Varania, she was indeed the elf who’d been at his bedside, had shown up with Fenris when they went to lunch. After lunch she helped him with backlogged paperwork. There were supply requests, recommendations on a few apprentices who were ready for the Harrowing, and many, many more. By the end of the day he was almost ready to tear his hair out. Who knew that so many things could build up in a few days, he was definitely going to try to stay on top of this from now on.

He was disappointed that he hadn’t remembered anything during the day but he was satisfied with what he’d seen. Mages who weren’t afraid to be affectionate in front of the Templars, children who smiled and laughed instead of worrying about who was going to beat them for an imagined offence, the Gallows was now a place of hope. Anders hoped that between Elissa and Alistair they could convince whoever was running Kinloch Hold to make these same changes.

The evening was spent wandering through the Gallows with Fenris. They talked quietly as Anders tried to remember where everything was. Anders was very glad he’d chosen to stay with Fenris. He had been intrigued with him from that first image. When they met in the Fade and he’d felt that first frightening hope that they were together, his careful distance when he’d found Anders in Darktown and his thoughtfulness.

It all stirred something inside of him that was still frightening but he knew it wouldn’t be taken away. He also knew that he wouldn’t be sent away. Fenris had followed him to the Gallows despite his justifiable misgivings with mages. Anders was afraid of the feelings the elf brought up within him but he treasured them as well. He hoped the fear would fade with time and maybe he could say those three words again.

“Did you remember anything else today?” Fenris asked as they readied themselves for bed.

“No,” said Anders shaking his head. He pulled his robes off and threw them towards the basket, turning to the bed as he did. Anders pulled the blankets back and crawled under them. Fenris followed and they spooned together.

“I wish I could,” Anders said softly after a while.

Fenris kissed his shoulder before rising on his elbow to see him. “You might remember more but you might not.”

“I know,” said Anders as he shifted to his back. “I hope I do remember…it’s my life…every laugh, every tear…every triumph and mistake…I want them back.”

“Only time will tell,” Fenris said. He straddled Anders and smiled. “Perhaps a distraction might help.”

“Oh, you read my mind,” Anders said as he moved his hands beside his head. Fenris leaned forward, threading their fingers together before their lips met. He was panting when the elf finally pulled away. “That’s my kind of distraction.”

“It gets better,” purred Fenris.

Anders was taken to heights he didn’t know existed and fell asleep after, curled up against him, thoroughly sated and happy…truly happy for the first time he could remember.

***

Anders stood on the shore of Lake Calenhad. It was the first time he could remembered being in the Fade since Justice had trapped him here. The tower rose above him but he remained where he was. Water lapped at the shore and he sat to pull off his boots before walking forward into it. Anders held up his skirts, curling his toes in the wet sand.

He was curious but made no move to go closer. What had happened to Justice? Destroying the amulet had separated them completely but he was also no longer tainted. Anders took a step into the water. Did Justice absorb all of it? Has he gone mad like he feared? He took another step into the water, closer to the tower that loomed over him.

“Can I save him?” asked Anders taking another step.

His skirts sat on top of the water, sinking slowly as the cold water soaked through. Up to his knees now he waded in further until he was waist deep.

“I have to try,” Anders said decisively.

He pushed off the bottom of the lake and swam confidently to the island Kinloch Hold stood on. Pulling himself out of the water, Anders left a trail of wet footprints and small puddles as he made his way into the tower. He hurried towards the great doors but before he could get very close to them one was pushed out. Anders stopped and waited, calling to mind several spells.

Justice stepped out and stopped when he saw Anders. Still ready to cast something should the spirit decide not to be friendly, Anders studied him closely. The armor he wore hadn’t changed since the last time they saw each other but there was a big difference. The red color that had mostly taken him over was greatly reduced. It now looked like a large starburst that centered over his heart. The furthest down the red tendrils went were at his hip and the furthest up was one long tendril that climbed his neck and ended just in front of where his ear would be.

“Justice?” Anders asked cautiously.

“Yes,” he answered tiredly. “It is I.”

“What happened?” said Anders taking a cautious step forward. “Are you all right?”

“I am…uncertain,” Justice said leaning back against the door, pushing it closed as he did. “I am still tainted but…I still seem sane.”

“It doesn’t look as bad.” Anders took a few more careful steps closer before Justice held up his hand.

“Come no closer,” he said softly letting his hand fall to his side once more. “I do not wish to harm you or begin this process again and I do not quite trust myself.”

“Nathaniel will be glad,” said Anders plucking at the wet cloth covering his chest. “I promised him I’d find a way to help you.”

“The elf was right. You are far too kind,” said Justice sounding slightly amused. His next words were serious though. “There is no cure for the taint.”

“I’ll tell him you said that,” Anders said with a brief smile before becoming serious again. “Not for us there isn’t, but you’re not like us. You’re a spirit. Part of the idol was cleansed…there might be a way…”

“I wish you good luck but I fear it will be futile,” he said. Justice stood up straight and slowly made his way around Anders. He turned to keep Justice in sight but didn’t move closer. “May I…visit you…from time to time?”

“It will be a little hard to help you if you don’t,” said Anders smiling again. “That’s a ‘yes’ by the way.”

“I am glad you are unharmed,” Justice said as he reached the outer door to the tower. He turned with one hand on the handle to look at Anders. “You’re memories?”

“Still mostly gone,” he said with a shrug. “I have remembered a few things so I hope eventually I’ll remember most of it. I’m surrounded by people who actually care…even if I don’t remember anything else, I know I’ll be all right.”

“That is good to hear,” said Justice. “I am sorry to have caused so much trouble.”

“It’s all right Justice. I’m not blameless either. I know we wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t accepted your offer. At least your home now.”

“Yes…it is good to be home.”


End file.
